


Under your skin feels like home

by violetknights



Category: CW RPS
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Threesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-05-27
Updated: 2011-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-19 20:12:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetknights/pseuds/violetknights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine how it would feel if your lover was in a coma, how long would you wait before you tried to find love again? What happens then when your lover wakes up? Should you ever have to choose between the two people you love most in the world?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer(s):** Nobody belongs to me, I'm only playing with them. Sorry for including a fictional character in an RPS fic but she is totally my heroine at the moment :D (If you haven’t seen any Criminal Minds yet you really need to).  
 **Thanks** To my new betas and . Thank you, my lovelies for all your hard work. It should be noted that I have fiddled a bit since I got it back so all mistakes are mine.

 **Summary:** Imagine how it would feel if your lover was in a coma, how long would you wait before you tried to find love again? What happens then when your lover wakes up? Should you ever have to choose between the two people you love most in the world?

 **Warnings!** For lots and lots of angst, hurt/comfort, some schmoop and more pRon than I’ve ever written before - I blame it on my hormones and having no internet for two months!

 

*******************************************

 

Jared wandered in to the bedroom, his hair still wet from the shower, curled darkly to his shoulders. There was a wicked glint in his eye, a too small towel was wrapped round his hips leaving nothing to the imagination. Jensen looked up from the report he was reading and moaned in appreciation at the sight. Jared was so gorgeous, his skin tanned and smooth; he grinned as he stood at the foot of the bed and looked at Jensen, his whole attitude a challenge and an invitation.

As Jensen watched, a single drop of water slid over Jared’s perfect abs and down his toned stomach to disappear into the waistband of the towel. Unable to stop himself Jensen dropped his paperwork onto the bed and scrambled to his knees in front of his lover, with a moan he let his tongue follow the droplets’ path. He pulled the towel away to reveal Jared in his full glory, his cock already starting to swell. It made Jensen’s mouth water just to look at it. He licked a stripe up the length of Jared’s cock feeling it harden against his tongue.

“Fuuuuck!” Jensen stuttered, “Jared you’re so beautiful, so fucking sexy.” Jared gazed back through narrowed eyes his hands gentle as they tangled in Jensen‘s hair. “so good baby!” he moaned as Jensen sucked the head of Jared‘s cock into his mouth, dipping the tip of his tongue into the slit. Jared moaned again then pulled Jensen up to claim his mouth in a bruising kiss.

“Come for me Jensen, I want to watch you make yourself come.” Jared commanded.

Jensen felt giddy at the suggestion and willingly allowed Jared to throw the paperwork onto the floor before pushing him back onto the bed. “Let me touch you, please,” he begged. Jensen could hear hat his voice was a needy whine as he tried to pull Jared closer but Jared just laughed, allowing Jensen only the briefest of kisses before he pulled away.

“Not till I see you come, Jen”, Jared teased, “I want to feel you shoot your load on me, want to see you lose it just thinking about what I’m going to do to you.”

Jensen moaned again, his cock hard and leaking at Jared’s talk, at the way he was kneeling over Jensen, shower damp and smiling.

“I’m gonna fuck you so good you’ll feel me all day, but I want you all relaxed and open so you’ve got to do this for me first.”

“Toppy bastard!” Jensen gasped but he really wasn’t complaining, he loved it when Jared was like this, totally in control and radiating confidence and sexuality. Jensen wrapped his hand around his cock and began working himself frantically, as Jared watched and kept up a monologue of encouragement, “Fuck! Jen, you’re so gorgeous like this, so ready for me, you’ll do anything to get me to fuck you wont you? you know I love it too, so desperate for your tight little hole; come for me, Jensen, come for me, baby.”

Jensen tried to last but it was impossible, sometimes he felt like he could come just listening to Jared’s voice. The knowledge that Jared was so desperate to fuck him sent Jensen over the edge, he came with Jared’s name on his lips before falling back gasping onto the couch.

This was where Jared should have held him and stroked him through the aftershocks but the memory had evaporated with Jensen’s orgasm. He was alone and masturbating on a hotel couch. He rolled over and, burying his face into the cushions, he began to cry. Wishing for the millionth time that he had a do over, that after Jared had fucked him that morning he’d stayed in bed with his lover instead of going out and leaving him alone.

**********

Jensen sat in a comfortable, high backed chair, relishing the calm and peace of the evening after an eventful day at work. He didn't really need to go in to the brokerage firm that he owned, his Managers ran the place fine without him, had done since his father had died when Jensen was fourteen. Still he went in to the office, kept his eye on what was happening and took on the responsibility for those clients that required the status conferred by dealing directly with the company owner. He did it because Chris insisted that Jensen needed the routine to his day or he would go crazy. Life as a playboy millionaire had lost its thrill all of a sudden three years previously.

Jared’s hand in his was warm, the skin soft and dry to touch, it. The view from the window was tranquil, the long stretch of the gardens giving way to a wooded valley, the elegant softwoods offering a verdant backdrop to every major room in the facility. Well, that was how it was described in the brochures anyway. Since money was no object Jared’s room contained the best of everything, soft, plush carpets, paintings by his favourite artist, gentle mood lighting. The whole room screamed of money and taste, it was almost possible to ignore the discretely shelved medical equipment behind the large bed.

“sir? Excuse me. Can I bring you a drink, Mr Ackles?” The nurse’s voice was quiet and hesitant. Jensen didn’t recognise her and if she was a regular she would know to bring coffee without being asked. In the time that Jared had been here Jensen’s routine had never varied.

“Coffee would be great, thanks.” He checked her name badge, “Dani, black please but bring the sugar and cream in with the pot. His mom will be here in a minute and she’ll want it.” “Of course, Mr Ackles, anything else?” He shook his head and watched the pretty brunette leave. “That’s fine then, Sir. We’re on a new staff rota now, I’ve been permanently assigned to Jared now, you can rest assured I’ve been fully briefed on everything, so just call if there’s anything else you need.” “Thank you, Dani; you won’t find either of us too demanding I hope.” She gave a small smile at his bitter joke and nodded before leaving the room.

Jensen was thirty three and still looked pretty good for his age, or so he thought, when he made the effort. He was 6 foot 1 with short dirty blonde hair and green eyes. He was always impeccably dressed although this was by force of habit these days because he actually gave little thought to his appearance. Nothing in his life gave him pleasure anymore; he lived for these visits each day to a man who in all probability didn’t even know he was there.

Of all the evenings he came to sit with Jared, Thursdays were the hardest. When he was alone it was easy to pretend that Jared was only sleeping, that they’d just made love and Jared was drowsing in the afterglow while Jensen went to make supper or fetch a drink, just as he had so many times before. Remembering those precious times when he had stood, watching his lover sleep, in that golden moment just before Jensen kissed him awake.

On Thursday nights though, Sherri came. The only member of Jared’s family who still did visit because only she could bear to see him like this. Even his father seemed to prefer to pretend that his son was dead, rather than face the state to which Jared had been reduced. Jensen hadn’t told any of their friends where Jared had been moved too, he tried to protect them from the horror he himself still felt each time he saw Jared lying so blank and still.

Only Sherri and Jensen kept coming now, night after night, week after week; to talk to him and hold his hand, hoping against hope that this might be the day when Jared opened his eyes. But Sherri talked to Jensen. she crashed through his dreams as she talked about the treatments and the reports the therapists had left, she noted the minuscule changes in temperature and skin colour and all the other minutiae that Jared’s life had been reduced to.

Jensen loved her like he would his own mother, indeed having been orphaned at fourteen he had clung to her in the time he had been with Jared, felt loved and accepted like never before. Sometimes though, when she interrupted his dreams that Jared was just about to wake up, to let his long lashes flutter open and his face transform into an ear splitting grin that was somehow childlike and sensual at the same time, well then Jensen felt he hated her just a little.

There was no medical reason why Jared shouldn’t wake up, open his eyes and tell Jensen a ridiculous list of breakfast requirements or grab him into a bear hug and call Jensen a creepy ass stalker for watching him sleep. The brain swelling was long gone and the few physical scars from the accident had healed. Repeated scans failed to show any damage to significant areas of the brain but still he just lay there, enough brain function left that he breathed unaided, the heart monitor showed a steady rhythm, a feeding tube took nutrition directly through a port in his neck. He just slept.

At first the doctors had been hopeful, the prognosis was good, the odds were high that he would wake up any day now. That was what they had said as they withdrew the medication that was keeping him stable after the incident. Jensen hadn’t left his side for weeks back then, hadn’t even gone home to shower or change, every second spent staring at Jared, willing him to wake up. but as the time had gone on hope had started to fade. The friends that had visited often at first came less frequently and then not at all, the stream of cards and teddies and flowers had dried up. Eventually the Doctor in charge of his case had told Jensen it was time to pull the plug, to let Jared go in peace.

Jensen had refused; unable to believe that Jared would leave him like this, he couldn‘t accept that the Jared he loved was gone. Jensen demanded second opinions, more specialists and more tests, he had the best neurologist dealing the most experience in closed head injuries flown in for a consultation. It was then they found that Jared could now breathe without the respirator, his heart beat unaided.

The City Hospital was no longer the place for him; he was taking up a bed that could be used for someone who could be helped. They didn’t say it in so many words of course, not with Jared lying in the private wing that had been financed by Jensen’s father but Jensen knew that was what they meant. He and Sherri looked together, searching for the place that would be suitable, close enough to visit often and with the highest standards of care.

Even though it had the best of everything, a beautiful setting, state of the art equipment and the most highly trained staff it had still felt to Jensen like failure when they moved Jared to Cedar Ridge Clinic. It was like he’d allowed Jared to die a little, the private care facility was an acknowledgement of the fact that Jared was slipping away, piece by piece and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

It didn’t keep Jensen from trying though, from doing everything he could to try and force Jared to wake up. Round the clock, $800 per day care meant that Jared received daily massage and physio sessions, an aroma therapist worked to stimulate Jared’s senses. On fine days his bed was wheeled onto his private veranda so he could feel his skin warmed by the sun. His favourite music played on the state of the art stereo system, the occupational therapy team would read to him from newspaper and books but still he just lay there, breathing steadily in and out, his once expressive face now blank and immobile, the golden tan of his skin fading to pale and the once ripped muscles shrunken and wasted.

Still Jensen couldn’t give up, the months turned in to years but still he came every day to be with his lover, told everyone he had a partner, stayed faithful to the living corpse that Jared now was.

It was approaching three years now since the accident that had changed everything. A stupid, out of control lorry mounting the pavement; Jared on his way to meet Jensen for lunch had stopped to browse in a bookstore. The lorry had killed three people as it crashed through the window into the store. Jared had been hit by falling debris, knocked unconscious but barely injured at all other than that; a narrow escape they’d thought at first.

Jensen had gone from having it all to having nothing he cared about in the space of a few short weeks. Without Jared by his side he didn’t want to function or think, sometimes he thought it would have been easier if Jared had been killed outright, at least then he could have joined him. Jared had been the centre of his universe and without his encouragement it had been so very hard for Jensen to carry on. Jensen knew he would never have coped without Chris, his PA and his best friend, for a long time his only tether to the real world.

Chris had physically dragged Jensen back into the world. Little by little, Chris had persuaded Jensen that Jared would want him to go on living, that getting out would give him something new to talk to Jared about. He had forced Jensen into a regular work schedule, made sure he had eaten and slept, finally started encouraging him out of the hotel to socialise occasionally. How could Jensen stay well and healthy for Jared if he was pining away or working himself to death? Chris had argued, his language becoming more colourful until he finally wore Jensen down.

So Jensen had tried, he really had. He’d joined a gym instead of using the fitness suite in the hotel where he now lived because he hadn’t been able to go back to the apartment after the incident. He even went to see a couple of gigs, not just the band that Chris played with but a couple of other guys too, friends of Chris’s that became Jensen’s friends by default .so now he had Jason and Riley as well as Chris, he even had some semblance of a social life again. A couple of nights a week they’d go for a steak or shoot some pool, Jensen joining them after he’d visited with Jared. Once a month he met with Chad and Garcia, Jared’s former business partners for lunch. Jensen knew it wasn’t much but it was a start, it meant Chris didn’t bitch at him quite so much either.

Most of their friends from before had given up asking him to their parties, they knew that at best he would just put in a brief polite appearance before leaving. But this time, well it was Chris's birthday for a start; Jensen owed the guy too much to just have one drink and run. After he’d left Sherri and Jared Jensen had gone back to his rooms and showered and changed for a night out. He was tired and on edge but he knew he had to make the effort for Chris’s sake. Then there was the fact that Jase was playing, doing a new set and Jen was considering backing him. He had to listen to all of the new material sometime if he was going to finance the album.

They were celebrating by spending the evening in their favourite bar, quiet and intimate, just a few close friends, Chris had said. Jensen considered that the twenty or so people who’d turned up slightly more than a few but it was a good evening anyway. Jensen was taking it slow, making his beer last as he watched Chris flirt with every girl in the bar, he was milking the fact it was his birthday for all it was worth. Jason and Riley were too keyed up as they waited for their turn to sing to be good company yet but that was okay with Jensen, he didn’t really feel like making small talk anyway.

Earlier on as he had sat with Jared and Sherri, she had said suddenly “You need to think that maybe this is it, Jensen. What you’ve done for him goes way beyond anything we should expect from you . . . you’re still a young man. You need to live again, it’s time, Jensen.” She had visibly aged in recent years, her son’s accident had taken a toll on her and her hair was streaked with grey, fine lines appearing deeper around her eyes. She looked at him and Jared with such tenderness it made Jensen want to cry.

“Maybe you should just think about it, okay? No one would think any less of you if you find someone else.” Jensen had shaken his head dumbly and tried to block out her words but they came back to him now as a casually dressed, younger man came over to the table and sat down on the bench seat next to him without waiting to be asked.

Jensen was alone at their table, Jase and Riley had gone to prepare for the set and Chris was at the bar. Jensen had met this guy earlier in the evening as part of the larger group, Jensen thought Chris had said he was an artist or something. He had dark, tousled hair and his jaw line was shadowed with stubble, he gave Jensen a frank look of appraisal that made the heat rise in Jensen‘s cheeks. He had brought two shot glasses of tequila with him and now he slid one across the table in front of Jensen and smiled, lighting up a pair of the bluest eyes that Jensen had ever seen.

“I’m Misha,” he said without preamble, “I think since we’re both obviously the prettiest people in the room we should leave together.” Jensen gasped a little at his bluntness but couldn't stop himself from laughing, “Well I guess it would have certain balance to it,” he agreed.

 

The man was definitely good to look at, lean and wiry but well muscled, his hands strong and capable looking. By standards other than Texan he’d be tall but as it was Jensen figured he was a couple of inches taller than Misha. But then Jensen’s standard wasn’t only Texan it was Jared, pretty much anyone would be short by comparison.

Jensen couldn’t help but stare as the other man swallowed his shot in a single mouthful and ran his tongue over his lips in a blatant gesture that was both slightly mocking and incredibly sexy, the guy really was very attractive. Not classically handsome in the way Jared had been, but with chiseled cheekbones and a smouldering intensity that demanded attention. Jensen couldn’t help but respond to him. “Jensen,” he proffered with a smile. “So, Misha, other than you being the second prettiest guy here why do you think I should be leaving with you?”

Misha quirked his eyebrow, “Straight to the point,” he murmured. “I like it, that's how the great Jensen Ackles rolls. Well, Mr Ackles I can promise you that won‘t regret it if you do.” Jensen couldn’t stop himself from breaking into a grin, the guys easy confidence was definitely infectious and he gestured to the drink. “Thank you for that, my beer was getting a little flat. So since you obviously you know who I am, maybe you should tell me a little about yourself; it’s been a long time since I’ve met someone as . . . refreshing as you.”

Misha leaned close, with a throaty chuckle that made Jensen’s dick twitch, Jensen swallowed and shifted to try and adjust himself. Misha seemed to be supremely confident of the effect he was having, "Misha Collins, thirty seven, I’m a Leo and I’m a sculptor so I’m very good with my hands." He gave a suggestive leer that should have been creepy or comical but was a very long way from being either. “Okaaay,” Jensen found himself tongue tied, he didn’t know what to make of the other man, Misha was so totally self assured and charming and his eyes, God! Jensen had never seen anything like them. For the first time in as long as he could remember Jensen felt a little spark of something that wasn’t pain.He found the force of the other man personality magnetic but more than that, he was like a flame that was thawing Jensen’s icy facade.

"I have to listen to Jason, I er I promised Chris, can you . . . I mean . . ." he tailed off totally flustered. The guy was so up in his personal space, setting Jensen’s heartbeat racing and bringing a flush to his skin. Jensen knocked back his shot to buy himself time and tried to catch Chris’s eye at the bar, when his friend looked over Jensen gave him a helpless look but Chris only grinned and waved.

Misha seemed to realise how overwhelmed Jensen was feeling because he suddenly relaxed back in his seat, giving Jensen a little more space. He seemed to somehow dial down the overt sexuality too because Jensen was suddenly able to breathe again. He didn’t want Misha to leave though, the other man’s presence was exhilarating and suddenly Jensen knew he wanted to feel something, he really was ready to feel alive again.

“Sure, Misha purred, his voice like honeyed gravel. “Jason's got a great voice; we can chill out a little here before we take our party home.” And it was only then as though responding to some hidden signal that Chris came over to the table with a bottle of tequila and settled in to chat for the evening. Pouring the shots in an easy fashion, as they teased him about his age. “Just one bottle? you are getting old!“ but none of them were out to get drunk tonight, just drinking enough to make the talk flow and the atmosphere mellow.

Jensen tried to concentrate on what was being said, Misha talking animatedly about some karmic theory and Chris teasing him, reaching over to ruffle his hair; and later the warm buzz being added to by Riley and Jason high from the excitement of their set. Then Chris and Jason were arguing good naturedly over who would get the worm as they reached the bottom of the bottle as Riley called for another bottle. Jason suggesting that Misha do the artwork for his album cover and Riley arguing for a photo of naked cowgirls.

And all the while a continual stream of other party goers coming over the table to greet Chris and buy him drinks in the case of the guys, or give him birthday kisses and their phone numbers in the case of the women. Jensen was content to let it all flow around him, for the moment his world had shrunk to the heat of Misha’s hand on his thigh.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Summary:** Imagine how it would feel if your lover was in a coma, how long would you wait before you tried to find love again? What happens then when your lover wakes up? Should you ever have to choose between the two people you love most in the world?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer(s):** Nobody belongs to me, I'm only playing with them. Sorry for including a fictional character in an RPS fic but she is totally my heroine at the moment :D (If you haven’t seen any Criminal Minds yet you really need to).  
>  **Thanks** To my betas and . Thank you, my lovelies for all your hard work. It should be noted that I have fiddled a bit since I got it back so all mistakes are mine.
> 
>  
> 
>  **Warnings!** For lots and lots of angst, hurt/comfort, some schmoop and more pRon than I’ve ever written before - I blame it on my hormones and having no internet for two months!
> 
>  **Note** I've decided to post it on Ao3 and link it, please, please take the time to leave feedback for me there or here, I'm very insecure and am afraid that nobody likes this.

The musicians had all finished for the evening and the bar was quietening down; Jensen's eyes met Chris's as they finally prepared to leave. Chris and some of the others were going on to continue the party at another bar with a later closing time, but Misha was making it pretty obvious that he wanted to be alone with Jensen, his hand creeping further up Jensen‘s thigh towards his groin under the table; more obviously the older man was sending him increasingly heated looks from beneath his dark lashes.

“Chris, man. It’s been a great evening but I’m going to head off now,” Jensen tried not to look at Misha’s smouldering eyes as he said his goodbyes, trying not to make it obvious that they were leaving together. As he shrugged into his jacket he saw Chris looking at him again, his expression unreadable. “Chris, please . . ." Jensen didn't know what he was asking for, Chris’s blessing maybe or even for him to stop him from leaving with Misha but he just nodded and dropped his hand on Jensen's shoulder for a moment. As they left the warmth of the club for the cool of the late night sidewalk, Jensen watched Chris and the others taking off up the street. Misha’s hand was warm in the small of his back but Jensen found himself shivering as they waited for a Cab.

The Taxi journey seemed to take hours, Misha pressed up hard against his body, thighs touching, hands entwined. Misha smelled of Tequila and spice, some exotic cologne that smelled of ginger and cinnamon and it set Jensen's senses on fire. Misha's thumb was drawing lazy circles on the back of his hand and Jensen was paralysed, unable to respond, his brain was racing with feelings of guilt, memories of Jared but his treacherous body didn’t listen, wanting only to respond to Misha’s advances.

His hand’s were still shaking as he paid the taxi and Misha looked at him, his handsome face suddenly serious, "I can go now with no hard feelings; if you want to stop this, just say so now.” Slowly Jensen shook his head, he was in this now, no turning back. "No, I want . . . I want this, I want you.” As he spoke the words, he realised how true it was, he was so tired of being alone. Even if this was just for tonight then he was desperate now to touch and to hold and to connect with someone else again.

Thankfully the elevator was empty because Misha seemed unable to restrain himself now he had Jensen's permission, hands roaming everywhere, pushing up inside Jensen's shirt to brush his nipples then skirting down to the waistband of his jeans and then round to cup the swell of Jensen's ass making Jensen moan into the other man's mouth as Misha finally kissed him, lips dry and his tongue delving deep. Misha brought his hands up to frame Jensen’s face and being the sole focus of all that passionate intensity was electrifying. Jensen gasped, pulling Misha’s body close against him, feeling the hard ridge of the other man’s erection through their jeans, knowing he was every bit as turned on himself.

Jensen pushed him away as they stepped out of the elevator and into the hall but seeing it too was deserted he grabbed Misha’s hand and half dragged the other man down the corridor to his suite, breathing ragged and heart thumping as he fumbled his key card into the slot in the door.

They tumbled together into the room, Jensen kicking the door shut behind them. Being in his room gave him the confidence to try and take control of the situation. Bringing up his hands to frame Misha's face as he kissed him again, relishing the rasp of stubble and the heat that seemed to radiate off him.

It had been so long for Jensen, so long since he’d even bothered to touch himself, he was afraid it would be over before it had even started. He was shuddering against the smaller man as he backed him up against the wall, grinding his pelvis into Misha's hip, suddenly frantic to touch and be touched in return. Jensen was dry humping against him, tugging helplessly at Misha's clothes, almost out of control in his urgency. Lithe as an eel, Misha wriggled free, “Easy, big guy, we’ve got all night. Let's just take it steady." Misha’s hands were strangely gentle on Jensen’s hips as he manhandled him back across the room and onto the big bed, “I’m going to take care of this, okay? Let me drive for a bit, I want you to be able to enjoy this as much as I'm going to.”

Jensen was almost incoherent, his cock seeking friction, hips trying to push up into Misha’s touch. Misha held him down with one hand firm on Jensen's hip and leaned forward to suck Jensen’s lip softly into his mouth. “I guess maybe I’d better get you into a less urgent frame of mind.“ Even in his lust blown state Jensen could feel Misha smiling against his mouth and he forced his breathing to slow as he tried to make the kiss linger.

Even this simple contact was too much and Jensen could feel his cock begin to throb and twitch. A sob rose in his throat and then Misha was kissing him again and the hand that had pinned him down was suddenly flicking open the buttons on Jensen's fly and easing the denim down over his hips. As Jensen began to curse and moan, Misha's hand was firm and sure as it grasped his cock, the skin of his hand a little rough but not unpleasant as he milked Jensen through an orgasm that left him whited out and shuddering.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, I could last longer than that when I was sixteen." Jensen was too blissed out to be embarrassed, the fact that Misha was lazily licking the come off his fingers giving him hope that the guy wasn’t about to pack up and go home early. “It’s been a while,” he confessed.

Misha smiled a cat like grin. "I told you, we have all night, I just wanted to make sure you’d be able to keep up with me, its all good". Jensen grasped one of Misha's hands and sucked his finger gently, swirling his tongue round the digit and tasting faint traces of himself still on it.

Misha moaned his appreciation and pulled it out with a pop, "See, all good, shall we take our clothes off now?" He removed his jeans and shirt rapidly, revealing a body that looked every bit as good as it felt.

Jensen had forgotten what this could be like, to be touched and held and pleasured. Misha was so easy to be with, it didn't feel like their first time, there was no hint of shyness about Misha and he made Jensen feel that freeness too. Misha's body was lean and sinewy, Jensen couldn't help but compare him to Jared's muscular bulk, but different wasn't bad and in some ways it made it easier for Jensen that he was so distinct. No chance of him trying to pretend as he had on his single failed attempt at a one night stand.

Misha didn’t leave much room then for Jensen to think or compare or do anything other than ride the waves of sensation until they were both too exhausted to do anything other that fall asleep, totally sated.

*********************

Jensen woke slowly, disconcerted by the warm body that lay curled against him in the huge hotel bed; most nights he slept on the couch unable to bear the empty space beside him. Suddenly the fact that the space was filled was even more unbearable. As carefully as possible he slid from beneath the covers, unable to look at Misha’s face, the way his rumpled hair was mussed up on the pillow.

Snagging jeans and a sweater from the wardrobe he slipped into the bathroom to shower and dress. He felt flooded with guilt and tried to keep his mind blank, not wanting to have to process what he’d done. Jensen left the suite quickly, without a backward glance, not wanting to see if Misha was awake or watching him. Jensen took the stairs to the basement parking lot and climbed into Jared’s truck, allowing the soft leather and the smell that still somehow seemed to be uniquely Jared to comfort him. He checked the time on his cell and sent a text to the office saying that he wouldn’t be in today, then Jensen switched the phone off and tossed it into the glove compartment.

It wasn’t a long drive, Jensen could make it in less than half an hour when the traffic was quiet like today. The final part of the drive up through the woodlands was soothing and Jensen felt calmer by the time he arrived, it was still very early but for the amount he paid no one would question his right to be there whenever he wanted.

“Hey, baby,” he said softly; he took Jared’s hand in his and leaned in to kiss him, turning at the last moment from a simple touch of his lips to Jared’s temple to press a demanding kiss to the other mans lips, trying urgently to force a response. It was like kissing a waxwork and with a desperate sob he pulled away, allowing the tears to roll noiselessly down his face. He tried to scrub them away with his hand but they wouldn’t stop. As he sat back he realised that Dani, the new nurse from the previous day had come noiselessly into the room bearing a tray with coffee, fruit and muffins.

"Hey", she said gently, discretely handing him a paper napkin to wipe his face. "I figured you could use some breakfast; I doubt you had time to eat since you got here so early." He nodded his thanks, moved by her thoughtfulness. He felt more nauseated than hungry but he picked at the food to appease her as she went through Jared’s morning routine. Checking the feeding tube, putting artificial tears into his eyes and washing him, spending time massaging Jared’s hands to keep the muscles relaxed. All the while she anxiously watched Jensen out of the corner of her eye.

The food was good and he started to feel better as he ate and drank until finally she smiled, "That’s better; you looked kind of ill when you came in, it wouldn’t help Jared if you got sick". Jensen laughed bitterly; "He doesn’t know I'm even here.” he said harshly. “I don’t know why I still bother coming to be honest.”

She looked at him shrewdly, "Mr Ackles, I was told to expect you in the evenings; I’d say something's got you all shook up for you to turn up like this.”  
“You could say that.” Jensen felt tired all of a sudden; exhausted emotionally and physically. It was a long time since he’d got laid, not since the morning of Jared’s accident. Misha had been pretty athletic and they hadn‘t slept until the early hours of the morning. Jensen wanted to cry again as he flooded with guilt and shame, it had been a pretty shitty thing to do leaving Misha like that.

"Maybe you should get some rest," Dani suggested, "I’ll leave a note for the therapists to leave you guys alone today. You can help me move Jared over, there’ll be plenty of room for you to curl up beside him; maybe it’ll do you both good".

Jensen nodded, he couldn’t trust himself to speak, not wanting to break down again in front of this girl who somehow seemed to see he needed nursing as much as Jay did. But she was right, curled up round Jared, holding him tight in his arms Jensen did feel better. Even though Jared had always been the bigger one before, the one who held Jensen and made everything alright this was still his Jared. Jared who still smelled right, or the expensive shampoos and shaving foams that Jensen brought when he visited. Jared was dressed in a t-shirt and shorts, lying in the big bed, everything about the place geared up to pretend it wasn’t a hospital.

Jensen buried his face in the back of Jared’s neck, “I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.” he listened for a long time, always filled with that faint hope that Jared would respond but he didn’t and Jensen eventually drifted off to sleep.

When he woke up Sherri was there, sitting in Jensen’s usual chair by the side of the bed and leafing through a magazine. She looked up and smiled gently at Jensen, watched as he yawned and stretched. He looked at her questioningly as he checked the time on his watch. He had slept for a few hours but not long enough to still be here at her normal visiting time.

"Chris called me, said you’d gone walkabout, it didn’t take a genius to figure out you’d be here. Jensen, I’m so sorry I’m not your mom; I wish she was still here for you." Jensen swung his legs off the bed and went to kneel beside her, he held her hands tightly thinking of how tiny they were, it was always a matter of awe to him that something as big and vital as Jared could have come from this little woman. Even now her strength was incredible as she looked after her family and visited her son and somehow made time to take care of Jensen too.

"Momma Sherri, after my parents died, I thought I’d never have that back again but you all took me into your hearts and have been so good to me, you have no need to apologise to me. You've been more than a momma to me since the day Jared brought me home to you."

"Jensen, Chris told me that you went home with his friend last night." Her voice was so gentle and full of compassion yet her words made Jensen's hands start to tremble.  
"I’m sorry, I'm so sorry; please . . .” He didn’t know what he was asking for as he covered his face with his hands.

Her face was filled with love and concern as she held him close for a few moments, softly stroking his hair. "Jensen, honey, listen to me. When I had my first child I loved him with my whole heart, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I was so scared when I found I was pregnant again, I didn’t dare tell anyone because I was afraid they'd say I was stupid."

She smiled fondly at Jensen and took his still shaking hands in hers. "I was afraid I would never be able to love another baby as much; and yet from the first moment JT was put in my arms, I loved him with my whole heart too. You see that’s the big secret of motherhood, you can love more than one person with your whole heart." She stroked the side of his face gently, "Honey, you’ll always be my boy, whatever happens, but you deserve someone to love you back, you do."

He put his arms round her and held her tight, “I am very lucky to have you, Momma. I . . . I have another apology to make, I guess I should go.” He cast a regretful look at the figure on the bed, “That was nice, I wish I’d done it before, that I’d thought of it without . . . last night having to happen.” He leaned down and kissed Jared goodbye, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jay.”

Sherri took Jared’s hand as she watched Jensen get ready to leave. “Jensen, while you’re making your apologies you should call Chris, apparently he’s been fielding calls all day, something about a video conference with Japan?”

 

**********************

 

Jensen figured he’d head back to the hotel to make his calls, he needed another shower and to change his clothes now that he’d slept in these ones. He didn’t know what he’d say to either man, he’d behaved badly to Misha and he could tell by the number of missed calls from Chris that the other man was furious with him. He’d have to be really nice to Chris to get Misha’s number; Chris was a great PA as well as being his oldest friend and would do almost anything for Jensen but he knew he had a major ass kicking coming his way for the way he was behaving..

Jensen knew he took advantage of their friendship to get Chris to do way over and above what was in his job description but Chris also took advantage of that to tear Jensen a new one every now and then. Jensen knew that this was one of the times when he really deserved it but he figured he’d try and appease his friend with a bottle of José’ and try to deflect the worst of it if he could.

Misha was going to be a whole other ball game; after they'd had sex the first time Jensen had found himself talking to the other man, he was drawn to him in a way he hadn't been to anyone since Jared. Misha had confided in him too, confessing his fear of getting hurt, of getting too close to anyone else only to end up alone and disappointed. Jensen knew he'd let the older man down badly. The sense of closeness between them growing from the conversations they'd had as much as the sex. Jensen didn't know what to do to fix that, to persuade Misha to give him another chance but he knew he had to try.

When Jensen reached the suite he key carded the door and stripped off his jacket as he did. As he walked in he realised the TV was on, and the room service cart was in the middle of the room; he swallowed hard as he saw that Misha was watching him from the couch. “Er . . . Hi.” He didn't know where to look, couldn't begin to process what it meant that the other man was still here. Misha was sitting calmly, wearing his jeans from the night before with one of Jensen’s T-Shirts, a bottle of beer in his hand.

Misha nodded at him, the steady blue gaze intense and unnerving, “so, Jensen, have you finished having your freak out or do you want me to leave?”  
Jensen took a deep breath, “You’re always this direct?”  
Misha nodded, “I don’t play games, Jensen, it’s a waste of time and energy.”  
Jensen slung his jacket over the back of a chair and crossed the room to sit beside Misha on the couch.

“Okay, that’s good, I mean I like that too. If I’m not good at talking it's because I haven’t had to for a really long time, I kind of don’t know where to start.” He spoke in a rush, trying so hard to get the words out, to make Misha understand what he was feeling.

Misha nodded his understanding but still kept a distance between them. “I’ve been friends with Chris for a while now, and he thinks you're one of the good guys, Jensen." He took a long pull from his beer then set it on the coffee table. “I know I’m one of the good ones too, I guess I figured maybe we could be good together. But we’ll never know unless we try.”

“I . . . oh fuck! I’ve been out of this for too long, haven’t had to talk about feelings and shit since. . . .” Jensen shook his head, choked by the need to find the words to make Misha stay, he was still torn up with guilt over Jared but Jensen knew now that he didn’t want to be alone anymore.

Misha's eyes were wide and painfully honest, "Look I don’t do random hook ups, I should have said something last night but I didn't want to scare you off." Jensen edged a little closer and rested his hand on Misha's knee, still unable to find the words to match Misha’s, to say that he wanted this too.

“I want something a little more meaningful, but I get that this could be hard for you. I know about Jared.” Jensen’s hand started to tremble and Misha covered it with his own. “Chris told me that you see him every day and that’s cool, that's not something I'm going to resent or get jealous of.” He squeezed Jensen’s hand gently, “We can do this, if you want to.”

Jensen leaned in until their foreheads were almost touching, bringing his free hand up to cradle Misha's face. "You’re something else you know? I guess . . . Well, I know my freak-out's done for now. I was coming back to call you . . . I want to try and be . . . whatever you want us to be.”

“I think we could be good friends, not just lovers, we can be special together.” Misha seemed so matter of fact as he stated it and yet Jensen really hoped that he was right. Jensen had thought that he had found the one in Jared, that he would never be that lucky again, now it seemed as though just maybe he’d been given another chance.

“I think so to.” As if to seal the deal Jensen kissed Misha, slowly at first then, allowing himself to fully experience it, learning and mapping the other man's mouth and responses, thankful that Sherri had helped him to see he was allowed to have this.

It wasn't until the phone began to ring that Jensen remembered the shit he was in with Chris.


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen felt the colour rising in his face as he watched Misha work. He was entranced by the other man’s hands, how the strong tapered fingers that brought Jensen to such heights of pleasure deftly sculpted the clay that he would one day cast in bronze. Misha, suddenly aware of the scrutiny, looked up with a grin; he pushed his messy hair back from his face, streaking his face with clay in the process. As far as Jensen was concerned it only served to add to the other mans’ beauty.

Over the months they’d been together, Misha and Jensen had settled into an easy relationship. Jensen still visited Jared everyday, sometimes he even stayed overnight at the facility. He took comfort from sleeping curled around Jared and helping with his physio and massage sessions in the morning. Occasionally Jensen fancied that Jared was indeed looking better, his muscles filling out some and his face more alert; like maybe he was coming a little closer to consciousness. Generally though he figured that things were just the same.

He talked a lot with Misha over whether he was still visiting out of a sense of duty or whether the Jared he loved was still there. Jensen felt such a confusion of feelings now when he looked at Jared, fear that Jared was suffering somehow and they didn’t know, he still had guilt too, despite the fact that he knew Jared would have wanted him to move on but he still carried so much love for him as well. Even though just the shell remained at the moment, Jensen was sure he still loved Jared. And yet Misha was something special too and Jensen was beginning to depend on him more and more.

As they grew closer and Jensen shared more about his visits with Jared, Misha asked to be taken to the facility to see Jared. Even though Jensen did his best to prepare him for what he could expect, the usually unflappable Misha was clearly shaken by the visit. He had been shocked pale at the sight of Jared lying there with Jensen holding his hand; and Jensen could see how hard it must be for his lover to watch him touch another man, however one sided it was.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Misha shook his head, “God! I mean he looks so alive. I thought . . . I don‘t know, that he’d look kind of old or sick or something; but it looks like he’s going to sit up at any minute.”

Finally Misha moved into the room from the place he’d been seemingly stuck to just inside the door. He stood by the side of the bed and continued his scrutiny of Jared in silence for several minutes. “Can I touch him?” He asked softly.

Jensen smiled hesitantly, it felt strange to think of someone other than paid staff wanting to touch Jared but nodded knowing Misha often needed to touch things to fully experience them. “Of course, sometimes I think he can feel it, that he knows I’m here.” He stroked Jared’s face gently before gripping his hand once more. “We never used to talk about stuff in front of him, they would say that maybe he could hear us. We do now though, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.” Jensen spoke quietly as he always did when he was with Jared but his tone indicated the frustration he felt. “Sometimes I say stuff to make him angry,” he admitted quietly, “Maybe try and shock him into waking up. Sometimes I’m so scared that I might actually hit him; do anything to make him react. It makes me feel so crappy afterwards; and nothing makes any difference anyway.”

Misha’s eyes were filled with such compassion and understanding for Jensen’s plight but as he turned to look back at Jared, his expression became darker, harder to read. He sat on the edge of the bed and took hold of Jared’s other hand, grasping it firmly; his strong, sculptors fingers massaging up the pale skin of the unconscious mans’ arm. "Hey Jared, I’m Misha; I’m looking after Jensen for you." Misha seemed to be studying Jared, looking for some flicker of response but Jensen knew from bitter experience that none would be forthcoming.

They didn’t stay too long after that. Misha was silent and brooding during the long drive home, only speaking to ask Jensen to take him to his open plan studio where he lives and works. Jensen tried talking to him a couple of times but he just shook his head and lay back in the seat, gazing out of the window as the scenery flashed past but without seeming to actually see anything.

When they got to Misha’s street Jensen hesitated, unsure as to whether Misha wanted him to go up with him or not, but his lover flashed him a quirky smile and said, “You find somewhere to park, I’ll go get the beers out of the fridge.”

Jensen had only been to Misha's loft briefly before, mainly to pick him up if they were going out. The man, so expansive and open in his conversation kept his home very private. The top floor of a converted warehouse, it was divided up into living areas by the way the furniture was grouped and little else. The majority of the space was given over to his work, an industrial sized kiln, drying racks and pieces of work in various stages of completion.

Misha usually worked in clay first, then when he had pieces that he wanted to take further, he hired foundry space and cast them in bronze. Sometimes he painted too and several huge canvasses leaned against the far wall, a riot of colour and emotion. Jensen loved to look at Misha's art, he was awed by the intensity of the other man's passion and creativity.

The kitchen area was just inside the door and this was where Jensen went when he let himself in. Misha was still uncharacteristically quiet as he drank his beer too fast, he was already onto his third before Jensen had finished his first. Jensen sat on a stool at the breakfast bar but Misha couldn’t stay still, pacing the space and shifting things randomly around the kitchen, he opened cupboards and shut them again and rummaged aimlessly through drawers until Jensen couldn’t stand it any longer. He reached out and snagged Misha as he went past, drawing him in close and trapping the other man between his thighs.

“Talk to me, Mish. Tell me what’s bugging you." he asked gently, trying to draw Misha in for a kiss. Misha allowed himself to be held but was unresponsive, for once not returning Jensen’s affection.

Misha shook his head, "I have no words, I can’t, I just can’t.” His tension was palpable, he was practically vibrating in Jensen's grip, frustration and distress rolling off him in waves.

Jensen kissed him slowly, then released his grip on the other man, "Go and work it out, build something or draw it, if you can't tell me then show me. I’ll go to the market on the corner and find something to cook, I bet you haven‘t eaten properly today have you?"

Misha nodded and shrugged off his shirt as he headed to the workspace, his mind already far away. Jensen knew better than to try and make him talk when he was like this, the physical urge to create the only way he could work out whatever emotion was eating at him.

Jensen tried to take his time in the market, choosing fresh peppers and vegetables and a big bunch of cilantro, figuring to cook steak and salsa, knowing that Misha would be hungry when he finally finished. As he shopped and then cooked he found himself humming under his breath, some stupid, catchy tune he'd heard on the radio. He realised that he was actually truly happy for the first time in a long while. He loved being able to take care of Misha and have Misha respond to his ministrations, he loved Misha. The thought almost made him drop the salad dressing and then he was aware that a huge silly grin was plastered across his face. It was a good feeling.

He was still smiling as he crossed the room to where Misha was working. Large sheets of cartridge paper littered across the area, they were covered with sweeping strokes of charcoal. The drawings were obviously of Jared, his still figure lying in the bed but the drawings had been discarded and now he was moulding with clay again. Smoothing and shaping an arm out of the material, it seemed to grow from an organic, knotted branch and Jensen could see immediately that Misha was trying to capture the hopelessness of the forever sleeping Jared. He recognised at once the feelings that Misha was trying to convey. Although the work was still rough and in the earliest stages, Jensen was moved by the power of the piece, the way it captured his fear that there was something trapped deep inside.

As Jensen greeted him softly Misha turned, wiping his hands on a rag. When Jensen leaned in to hug him, Misha clung to him, burying his face in Jensen’s neck. "It's good, Mish, really good." Jensen acknowledged. Misha shrugged, "it's not right yet, I still feel so fucking helpless."

Jensen was still trying to work out how to reply when suddenly Misha was kissing him, open mouthed and needy; tearing at Jensen’s clothes, sucking bruises into his neck, hands trying to be everywhere at once. They made love right there on the studio floor, pictures smudging and charcoal breaking beneath them. Misha handled Jensen as though he was trying to mould his very flesh and Jensen let him, urging Misha on as the older man pushed and pulled him into the positions he wanted.

He moaned loudly as Misha worked him open, feeling a primal need suddenly to be filled by the other man. As Misha thrust into him, Jensen came with a guttural cry and could feel himself pulsing and contracting around Misha’s cock, Misha wrapped his arm around Jensen’s body, milking him through the aftershocks. Bucking together desperately, Misha pouring out a wordless torrent of feeling and anguish. Jensen wanting only to be what Misha needed, to help him work through the emotions that were bombarding him.

Afterwards Misha clung to Jensen, his face buried in the older mans’ neck, "Fuck, I needed you so badly."  
"Yeah, I got that." Jensen panted. He wanted to go and clean up but he stayed where he was and held Misha close until he was afraid the other man was going to fall asleep and he finally eased away. “Come on you, I’m getting too old to lie on grubby floors. You need to eat and it won't take a minute to get those steaks done, everything else is ready." He dragged Misha to his feet, urging him to the kitchen but Misha shook his head.

"Five minutes, I need to finish up here and wrap the clay in damp towels before it dries too much for me to work with it tomorrow.”

Jensen acquiesced and shrugged into his shirt, Misha seemed content to wander around naked but it was getting cooler now as the night wore on so Jensen found a robe for him to wear. Misha seemed less frenetic now, happy to let Jensen take care of him.

Jensen didn't think he'd ever seen Misha eat so much, he had to push down memories of the seemingly bottomless pit that had been Jared. Somehow the comparisons didn't seem to hurt so much tonight, serving now only to highlight the things he loved about both men.

As Misha came into the kitchen area, he pulled a bottle of Grey Goose from the freezer, the only thing he seemed to keep in there, drinking the first slug straight from the bottle. With a wry laugh he snagged a couple of glasses from the cupboard, "Sorry, I forget sometimes that I have company, I don't often bring anyone else here."

Jensen laughed, “It’s okay, I haven't been too big on company lately either." They'd chatted inconsequentially while they ate, Misha was not ready to start talking seriously yet and Jensen was waiting for the right time for their proper conversation to begin.

Finally replete they sprawled on the couch; Misha lay with his head in Jensen’s lap, his usually limitless energy exhausted for once. Jensen carded his fingers through Misha’s hair, luxuriating in the rush of emotion he had for the man in his arms, it had been a long time since he’d allowed himself to feel like this.

"Misha, I’m sorry." Jensen's words were heartfelt, "I didn’t think what it would be like for you seeing him like that, I hadn’t realised how immune I’d got to the sight. I should never have taken you, I’m so very sorry." It was true, Jensen was used to the sight now, he could find peace in being with Jared, even take comfort from going there, but now he was reminded what Jared looked like to outsiders and it was a painful wake up call.

"I wanted to see him.” Misha’s voice, sleepy and fucked out was deep and throaty and it sent a coil of lust shivering through Jensen’s belly. "But he wasn’t what I expected, I thought he would look sicker, you know?"

Jensen nodded, "Yeah, its kind of weird how healthy he does look. I thank God that I’ve got the money to keep him in that place." Unconsciously he tightened his grip, wanting to keep Misha safe.

"Coma patients in state hospitals would probably be more what you expected. I saw some when I was looking for where Jared would live, you know, I checked so many places. Well there was this one guy he’d been in a PVS for about twelve years, he was all curled up on himself, his hands twisted like claws, and his skin all grey and sunken in." Jensen shook his head, chilled by the memory, “I didn’t want that for Jared, I couldn’t have born it; but now . . . this, he’s like sleeping beauty, he never changes. Maybe one day I’ll go there and I’ll see a grey hair or a wrinkle and it’ll mean if he can change so can I. . . I’m talking crap aren’t I? I need another drink".

"No, its not crap; that’s what I saw too." Misha twisted in Jensen’s arms so that he was facing him, and Jensen could see again the mixture of honesty and compassion that had made him fall for Misha in the first place. "It’s like he’s a statue, a living, breathing work of art. Its what I wanted to capture but its the wrong medium to show it properly, he needs to be carved out of wood, something solid and strong and beautiful but more giving than the clay or bronze."

"I love him, Misha," Jensen confessed. " I can’t stop, sometimes I wish I could but I can’t."

"I know, Jen, I knew from the start remember?" Misha was so calm now, so sure of himself it made Jensen feel so timid by comparison. "I told you I could deal with it," Misha continued. " and it really is okay, as long as, well as long as . . ."  
"I love you too." Jensen interrupted, finally sure enough of his feelings to confess them.

"Yeah, that." Misha agreed.

"I do you know, I really do, and it's not about better or worse, or more or less, it's just different. I love you totally and I love him the same way too. Is that okay? Can that be enough for you?" Jensen was afraid that the admission would scare Misha off but he felt he had to match the other mans’ honesty, he deserved the total truth.

"Stay here with me tonight," Misha, was drowsy and pliant in his arms, Jensen too was worn out by the evenings’ events, the alcohol also making him sleepy. "Sure." he nodded, glad Misha had asked.

"I can’t bear to go back to your hotel room," Misha admitted. "It’s as soulless as a . . . well I was going to say a hospital but Jared’s room has more of his personality in it than yours does.”

"I know,” Jensen acknowledged. “I actually do have an apartment you know, well we did. I just couldn’t go back there afterwards, it was too hard for me to be there without him."  
"There’s plenty of space here," Misha's voice was unusually quiet, a wistful note to it.  
"I could stay here, more often, that's if you want me to." Jensen felt tongue tied and stupid but even seemingly half asleep Misha knew what he was trying to say.  
"There's maybe not as much luxury as you’re used to here, but it’s real."  
"What, no room service!" Jensen teased, "I think real is good for me; you’re good for me, Mish."

Jensen had found it strange at first, having to learn again all the intricacies of having someone in his life, in his space but Misha was easy to be around, charming and funny but also intelligent and insightful. It went without saying that the sex between them was always amazing and if Jensen sometimes missed the thrill of being the smaller one, of being pinned by Jared’s bulk but having the total trust in him to let Jared take the lead, well he wasn’t going to complain. Misha brought his own skills and passionate intensity to the bedroom that more than made up for it.

Chris and the others accepted Misha readily, and as the time wore on Jensen found it easier to be seen with another man. Occasionally people assumed that this meant that Jared was dead but Misha was so smooth at deflecting the questions it soon just became natural for them to be out together. Jensen had told Momma Padalecki about Misha too, she had given them her blessing but hadn't met him yet. It was just too painful for her to see Jensen with someone else.

As the weeks rolled into months, Jensen and Misha built their lives around one another. Jensen moved into the loft but was still careful to give the other man his space, Misha often kept odd hours, working through the night if he had an idea that he couldn’t bear to leave. Jensen grew used to waking up in the middle of the night to find Misha hard at work in the studio or coming home from work to find the older man asleep in a fully clothed, exhausted sprawl on the bed.

Jensen also tried to work more regularly, with Misha’s guidance he broadened his investments, buying an art gallery and a music studio. He was also working with Jason and Chris to set up their own production company, producing CD’s in the country rock niche that Chris and his friends excelled in. Jensen was happy again finally, fulfilled in a way that he’d never thought possible.

 

 

************************************

 

 

Jared woke up to the strange sensation that someone was dripping liquid into his eyes. He flinched and tried to lift his hand to push them away but the stubborn limb didn’t want to obey him. It felt weak and heavy as he let it flop to his side. His mouth was parched and he tried to lick his lips, “Jensen?” his voice was a harsh whisper and he coughed at the effort.

There was a burst of noise, shouting maybe, a bell ringing and he struggled to try and hear what happening; his eyelids felt heavy and stuck, they didn’t want to open. Was he sick? He couldn’t remember, didn’t know if he was hung-over or ill, he felt drugged.

Jared coughed again and felt a glass pressed to his lips. He gratefully took a few sips of water but it was taken away before he could slake his thirst. Jared couldn’t hold back the moan that escaped his lips and a small, cool hand was pressed to his forehead. “Take it easy, Jared," the voice was unfamiliar, female, “Jensen’s coming, he’s on his way.”  
“Water,” he coughed again.  
“I’m sorry; I don’t want to make you sick. Just wait a while.” her voice was calm and professional, he was pretty sure it wasn’t his Momma or Garcia.

Now that she said it, he was filled with a terrible nausea that made him retch and he struggled against the sensation, choking and trying to clear his mouth. He was aware of being lifted, other people closing in around him as he choked. The simple act was exhausting so he stopped fighting, gave up trying to figure out what was happening and let himself sleep again.


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen doodled idly on the notepad in front of him. He and Chris were in a board meeting at the brokerage house and had been listening to reports for three hours straight. They were now so bored that they had resorted to sending each other random, stupid little text messages. So, when his phone buzzed with a message to phone the facility as a matter of urgency, it took quite some moments for his brain to process. He stared blankly down at the message as he tried to work out whether it was just some strange joke of Chris’s. When he finally realised that the text hadn’t come from his friend’s phone, Jensen was on his feet in an instant, knocking papers to the floor in his haste to leave the table. “I’m sorry, Gentlemen, Chris, I’ve got to go, it’s Jared.” He was already dialling the facility as he left the room.

Dani was waiting for Jensen as he pulled up in the drive, abandoning the car at the front steps, not bothering to park properly in his haste to get to Jared’s side. “What's happening?” he demanded eagerly.

“He’s sleeping again now,” Dani said, “But oh my God! It was incredible!” Barely able to contain her excitement she grabbed Jensen's arm. "He said your name, he was awake for a few minutes, he tried to move and he said your name.”

The words thrilled Jensen to his very core, he raced through the maze of corridors to get to Jared’s room, not checking to see if Dani was keeping up with him. When he got to the room the facilities chief of staff was by Jared's side, Jensen pushed past him in his desperation to grasp Jared's hand. He could see at once that Jared had changed. The man shifted a little in his sleep and tried to lick his lips, his fingers twitching at the bedclothes. “He always used to be a restless sleeper,” he murmured, then sat on the bed, he looked at the Doctor. "Can I . . I mean will it hurt him if I try to talk to him?"

“Go right ahead,” Doctor Sandberg agreed affably. “We were only waiting for you to get here. As you can see there has been a very sudden and dramatic change in Mr Padalecki's consciousness levels. By all means talk to him, just take it gently. We don‘t know yet if there are any other issues."

Jensen felt on the verge of blacking out, he could hear the blood pounding in his ears, issues, oh God!

"Jared, it’s me, I’m here.” Jensen struggled to keep his voice calm, he was so desperate for a response, “oh fuck! Jared can you hear me?" The seconds stretched interminably, every ounce of his being was focused on the man in front of him. He squeezed Jared’s hand again and maybe, just maybe felt the faintest pressure in return. Jensen was practically hyperventilating as he waited for a further response.

"Jensen?" The beloved voice was so weak and frail but so instantly recognisable. Jensen had kept some voicemails Jared had sent him on his phone and had played them when it got too much, when he missed Jared so very badly but the sound had only increased his despair. This now, these two fragile syllables were enough to make Jensen's heart soar.

I'm here Jared, I've got you." Jensen tightened his grip on Jared's hand. “Jared, can you hear me? You can wake up now, babe.”

And at Jensen's words, Jared finally opened his eyes, lashes flickering back as they had so many times in Jensen's imagination, finally seeing for the first time in nearly four years the gold flecked, hazel depths that he had missed so much. "Oh God! is this real? Tell me this is real," Jensen breathed, scarcely able to believe his eyes.

“Jen? Where are we?” Jared mouthed the words, afraid of choking again.

Dr Sandberg smiled widely, thrilled by this sudden improvement in Jared’s condition, it was very rare for someone like Jared to get better like this. He moved in closer to check into Jared’s eyes and then assessed the levels on the monitor again.

“Well, Jared, I’d say you’re doing pretty well all things considered. Dani, we’ll start liquid nutrition and if he keeps it down then the port can come out tonight." He looked at Jensen pointedly, "I'll need to talk to you later, get them to page me when he‘s asleep again. Don’t tire him out, please? Not too much chat, he doesn't need to know too much too soon; understand?”

Jensen nodded, his mind buzzing with questions but they could wait, all he wanted was for them to just leave so that he could hold Jared in his arms again.

"Jensen, what happened, where am I?" the few whispered words are an obvious effort, making Jared's throat itch and tighten and Jensen hurried to take the glass from Dani, holding it to Jared’s lips himself, needing to be the one who would be there for Jared now.

“I’ll go get some ice chips for you to suck,” Dani offered, “it'll ease your throat.” The Doctor nodded his approval, “I’m going to call your neurologist to come and check you out, we’re going to need to run some tests later but for now just try and rest.”

Finally alone, Jensen gathered Jared into his arms, “You’re safe, I've got you.” Jensen reassured, marvelling at the feeling of his lover moving and responsive once more. Jared shifted feebly, trying to huddle in closer and even this frail sign that his Jared was back seemed like a miracle. Jensen wanted to just hold him like this forever, was trying to make himself believe this was real as he leaned in as close as he could to feel Jared’s skin on his. He had fantasised about this happening for so long, he was almost afraid that he was dreaming it.

Jensen had tried so hard all this time to stay strong for Jared but he just couldn‘t maintain his composure any longer. “Oh God! Jared, it's been so hard, I’ve missed you so much!” he could feel the tears pouring down his face and was also aware of Jared clumsily trying to wipe them away.

Jensen couldn’t bring himself to leave Jared’s side for more than a few moments at a time, even if the other man was sleeping. He called the Padalecki’s obviously and briefly talked to Chris about sorting out work in his absence. Guiltily it crossed his mind that he ought to call Misha but he didn’t know what to say.

 

**********************

 

Jared clung to Jensen with all his frail strength, he was more than a little confused. He still wasn’t sure what was happening but Jensen had been the major constant in his life since the first day they met. Jared figured something terrible must have happened to him for Jensen to be so upset. He looked round the room and it appeared to be some kind of fancy hotel yet the girl who kept coming in to check on them was obviously a nurse.

“Please tell me what’s happening, Jen, where are we?” He could still only whisper although sucking ice chips had helped his throat feel a little better.

“You’ve been ill, Jared, you, uh . . . you hurt your head, you’ve been out of it for a while. It’s fine now though, now you’re awake everything’s fine.”

Jared nodded gratefully, “Kind of feels like I got hit by a truck,” he offered with a weak smile.

“Yeah, pretty much, but you’re fine," Jared was horrified to see how pale Jensen went at his words, although his sense of relief was still overwhelming. Jared hated to think how scared Jensen must have been to react like this.

"It’s okay now, everything’s okay.” As he spoke Jensen grasped Jared's hand so tight it was almost painful but Jared wasn’t about to ask him to let go. Everything was so strange, he felt like Jensen was his only anchor to the world.

He could hear Jensen beside him talking rapidly on his cell phone but Jared didn’t really have the energy to listen in to what he was saying. He tried out his limbs, stretching and moving his arms and legs, wanting to know if everything was working. Everything seemed to do what he wanted it to but it was so painful to move it made him gasp and it left him shaking with the effort.

Beside him, Jared was aware that Jensen had finished on the phone, “Your Momma’s coming, Dr Sandberg said only me and her today but tomorrow you’ll be able to see your Dad maybe.”

Jared nodded faintly, it was still taking so much effort to talk, and he tried to reach for Jensen’s hand again. As he did so, he caught sight of his own hand, it didn’t look like it belonged to him at all. It was practically skeletal, the knuckles standing out and so, so pale. “Jen, look at me,” he held his hand up between them watching in horror to see it tremble with even that small effort.  
“Oh Jared, baby, it’s all okay now, I swear.” Jensen grasped the hand with his own lifting it to his mouth and kissing Jared’s fingers.

Jared shook his head doubtfully, “how long? how long has it been?” he asked but already he could feel his eyes closing again, “So damned tired,” he murmured as he felt sleep claim him again.

 

*************************

 

Misha had been working hard getting everything ready for his exhibition, he felt under even more pressure than usual because he didn’t want to let Jensen down. Not only was this the biggest show that he had done so far, it was going to be the first single artist exhibition for Jensen’s Gallery. There was so much riding on this, he wanted everything to be perfect. He had enough work ready in theory but he just wanted to finish more pieces; in particular there were some canvases he needed to get done, he just wasn’t happy with how they were translating. He had gone back to working for hours at a stretch only to collapse exhausted when he couldn’t keep going any longer.

He had been sprawled on the couch when he was startled awake by his phone ringing. Groggily Misha grabbed his cell phone from the coffee table and checked the time. He’d worked through the night and then fallen asleep shortly after Jensen had left for work. He had obviously slept the day away because it was late evening now, the loft was dark and Jensen should have been back long before now.

Chris calling, the small screen flashed at him. Misha looked at it blearily, trying to process it with his sleep fuddled brain. Why would Chris be calling him at this time of night? A sudden panic shot through him jolting him fully awake. “Is Jensen okay?” The words tumbled out almost before he could answer the phone. Misha felt suddenly nauseous, his palms slicked with sweat, he couldn’t begin to imagine what might have happened.

“Yeah, yeah, he’s fine,” Chris mumbled but Misha could tell by his friends’ voice that there was still something terribly wrong. He had a sudden, terrible image of the heart monitor by Jared‘s bed flat lining, could picture the agony that would cause Jensen.

“Chris tell me, is it Jared? Is he . . . ? I should go to Jensen.” He scrambled to his feet looking for his shoes, fuck, he should get going.  
“No! No, I don’t think so, Misha.” Chris said forcefully. “Aw fuck! He should be telling you this not me.”

“Just tell me Christian,” Misha pleaded. “Stop fucking around.”

“Misha, Jared woke up. Jensen’s been with him all day,” Chris paused, drawing in a deep breath but Misha felt paralysed, unable to respond. “he called to tell me what was happening and to say he won’t be in to work for a while and I . . . well, I just figured you should know.”

Misha was stricken, he slid the phone shut without saying anything else. Why hadn’t Jensen called himself? He felt he had deserved a phone call at the very least. His sorrow gave way to anger, how dare Jensen treat him like this? He felt the nausea rising as his initial adrenalin rush faded and ran to the bathroom to retch and spit into the sink.

“Gah!” Rinsing his mouth Misha was filled with helplessness; he thought of Jared, that terrible blankness to his face and tried to imagine it mobile and alert. How could that possibly be a bad thing? But fuck! It made him feel like crap. He’d never even considered this scenario, that Jensen would have gone without him, that his lover wouldn’t even call him.

In a childish fit of rage, he wrenched open drawers and emptied cupboards as he gathered up all of Jensen’s belongings that were scattered around the loft. He tossed it all into trash bags, and hurled them out the door and down the stairs. Instantly feeling guilty and contrite he ran to gather everything back up and brought it back upstairs. He didn’t think he could bear to see Jensen’s stuff here, like he was going to come back at any moment. He just left it in the sacks and dumped them in the corner of the room.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! How was he supposed to feel? He loved Jensen and Jensen loved Jared. He couldn’t wish Jared back into the coma again yet he couldn’t call Jensen and make him leave Jared’s side. It wasn’t fair, and yet what was he supposed to do now? He’d never let anyone into his life the way he had Jensen. Had never loved anyone this intensely before.

It was all very well living with a Jensen who still loved Jared when Jared was basically a memory in the hospital but now Misha didn’t know where he stood. When the initial joy at Jared’s recovery wore off would Jensen still want to be with Jared or would he maybe want to be back with Misha? Or maybe Jensen hadn‘t called because he was needed at the hospital, perhaps Jared hadn’t woken up properly, maybe there had been some brain damage after all?

Misha was just torturing himself imagining all these different scenario’s, he would send himself crazy if he kept it up, what he really needed was to get some proper answers. Angrily he stormed into the studio, what the fuck had he been thinking? Always so fucking sure of himself, he thought he knew exactly what he was getting into. He'd acted so damn noble and self sacrificing, like it was nothing to be with someone who was in love with another man. But then Jared had never been real to Misha, he had believed the hopelessness of the situation. Had thought Jared was long gone, what was he supposed to do now?

Misha slid his phone open, he wanted so desperately to call Jensen but he thought better of it, instead choosing to send a text. If Jensen was free to talk he’d call back. He wrote and deleted his message three times before deciding on a simple, “love you, call me.” He waited for a few anxious minutes but there was still no response.

Eventually he figured that he would have to call the only other person who might be able to help him. He phoned Chris back and hesitantly apologised for hanging up on him earlier. The other man was gruff but understanding.  
“We’re good, man. its a shock for all of us.”

“Yeah,” Misha agreed. He needed to talk to someone, needed Chris to tell him what was happening, even on the phone though he could sense the other man’s reluctance. It suddenly struck him then that he was on his own here, Chris would have to put his loyalty to Jensen first.

“Sorry for bothering you,” Misha apologised, “but please, could you text me if there’s any more news?” he tried to keep the desperation out of his voice. “I guess I just need to be in the loop in this, whatever happens.”

“Sure, you deserve that,” Chris hesitated, “he really should be telling you this stuff himself.”

“I know but it’s okay, he needs to focus on Jared now, I get that,” Misha paused and bit his lip so hard he could taste blood. The pain grounded him enough to ask the one question that was eating him up. “How is he, Jared I mean? Is he really awake, is he . . . I dunno, still him?”

“Yeah, fully conscious and talking, I guess if anyone was going to beat the odds it would be Jared, he never could stop talking for too long.”

“Okay, I’m glad, that’s good,” and it really was, Misha knew that it would have crushed Jensen if Jared had woken up damaged in some way.

“I have to go, I’m still at the studio. I have to get things sorted out here if he’s going to be MIA for a while.”

Misha could hear the sympathy in Chris’s voice and it made him want to punch something. “Sure,” he said grimly, his fist clenching automatically.

Chris sighed. “Look, Misha. I dunno what’s going to happen here, it’s too soon. But for what it’s worth you made him really happy this past year.”

Misha clutched the phone in his hand and listened to Chris talk, his deep drawl oddly comforting.

“For the longest time I thought he was just going to give up,” Chris continued. “If things had gone badly with Jared he would have died too. I hate you for making me talk like a damned chick flick but fuck it! He loves you, man. You’ve been good for him, in some ways better than Jared; you made him stronger and more independent . . . ” the other man paused on the phone but Misha didn’t know how to respond so he just waited for Chris to finish.

“Look, I really do have to go now but I’ll call you if there’s anything. “

Misha realised that through the whole conversation they’d never mentioned Jensen by name, he wondered what that meant, when Jensen had become “Him.” but Misha realised he could barely bring himself to say his lover’s name, it made it all seem so much more tragic. The more time that had passed the more Misha was aware that Jensen wasn’t going to call.

The pain of losing Jensen felt too raw to do anything with but he couldn‘t contain it inside himself so he took a small sketchbook and sat with it on the bed. He could still smell Jensen on the sheets, could still see the dent his head had made on the pillows. When Misha began to draw it was nothing like his usual exuberant style. Tiny, crabbed, pain filled scrawls wormed their way across the page and he hated Jensen for making him feel like this, so small and insignificant. Couldn’t believe that the past whole year could mean so little to the other man that he couldn’t even call or answer a simple text.

The next time Misha looked up from his work, the book was nearly filled and the dawn was breaking through the studio windows. He let the sketchbook drop to the floor and pulled Jensen’s pillow to him, he buried his face in it and tried to surround himself with the smell, feeling the tears trying to well up in his eyes. Fuck! He missed Jensen so much. Bloody chick flicks! Chris had been right. Utterly pissed at himself, Misha threw the pillow to the floor and made himself get up.

He wasn’t this guy; this crying, pathetic needy mess. He had worked so hard to create himself the way he wanted to be, strong and artistic and passionate. How could he have been so fucking stupid as to let himself get into this state?

When he took the Vodka from the freezer he took a couple of slugs straight from the bottle, realising as he did so that it was something that he hadn’t done in a while. Jensen had made him more conscious of using things like glasses and plates, even when he was working alone. Putting the bottle back, Misha dialled Riley. His young musician friend had been used to Misha calling at odd hours off the day. He was always available to meet up for a coffee or a beer whatever time Misha called. Quickly he set up a breakfast meeting, he knew it was a bad idea to be alone right now, he was done with brooding on his own.


	5. Chapter 5

Jared sat up impatiently, knuckling his fists into his eyes. “Ah, fuck! I fell asleep again didn’t I?” He was so damned fed up with feeling like this.

“Take it easy, Jay. It’s ok to be tired,” Jensen soothed. His presence the only thing that was making this whole ordeal bearable. Jared knew he understood and shared his frustration. Even now, five days since he’d first opened his eyes, Jared was still weak and tired most of the time. The brief visits from his family left him unable to concentrate or do anything except sleep. On the Doctor’s orders he hadn’t even been able to see any of his friends yet.

Jared still found it hard to keep food down, even the blandest things making him gag as he tried to swallow. He was also in considerable physical pain as his muscles protested and cramped if he tried to move too fast. At least he was now able to walk to the bathroom by himself even if the effort wore him out. This morning there had been another series of tests followed by a visit from Megan; it had all been too much and Jared had drifted off to sleep shortly after her arrival.

“Yeah, yeah! I know I need to rest but fuck, man! My sister was here. How could I just fall asleep when she was visiting?” He was so annoyed with himself, he had only just been told how long he’d actually been unconscious for and even if he couldn't fully comprehend it, he was terribly aware of how much his family needed to spend time with him right now.

Jensen put his arm round Jared’s shoulder hugging him in close. “I guess it’s pretty tiring being you at the moment, that’s all. It’s like the Doctor said, everything you do right now is using up so much more energy than it usually would, its bound to make you tired.” Jensen kissed him gently. “She said to tell you that she loves you and she‘ll be back tomorrow.” Jared leaned closer, resting his head on Jensen’s shoulder.

“I just feel like I’ve missed so much already, sleeping more seems such a waste of time.” Jared longed for more than anything else is to be able to go home, wanted to be back in their apartment, sleeping in their bed. This place, however comfortable it might be just wasn’t home.

“It’s getting better every day, Jared.” Jensen encouraged. “We’re going to move you to the hospital on Tuesday, they're better equipped to do the rest of the tests there. I’m sure we‘ll be able to go home soon and I know you’ll feel better then.”

“Its just all so much to get my head round.” Jared smiled at him wearily. “I’m just glad you’re here.” He pressed a gentle kiss to the side of Jensen’s mouth.

“Where else would I be?” Jensen said softly.

 

*******************

 

Misha had tried to lose himself in his work but it had been so very hard to feel creative and focused. He’d actually been going out a lot more that usual, going to bars and gigs with Riley or even just going out to wander the streets and take random photographs. Anything rather than having to be in the loft where he‘d spent so much time with Jensen, where his lovers’ mark was still everywhere he looked, no matter how hard he tried to eradicate it. But he still came home every night to find himself alone. Misha knew he was drinking way too much but he didn’t really care, he’d always fuelled his creativity with vodka anyway.

Most of his work at the moment was of Jensen. Misha wanted so badly to forget him yet he couldn’t think of anything else. He’d filled so many sketchbooks trying to capture the way he was feeling but there was no way he really could. Hopelessly Misha dragged the metal bin in to the living area and dropped the hated sketches in to it, they only made him feel miserable and used. He poured a generous slug of his vodka on top then dropped in a match. Slumping down onto the couch to have another drink as he watched the fire take hold

The sketch books burned fast, the pages separating and curling, giving the twisting images a life of their own. The flames blazed blue at first, then glowed orange, a riot of colours, leaping and dancing and casting shadows onto the walls.

Misha finished the rest of the vodka, slowly savouring the burn that did nothing to take away the pain in his heart. Trying to make himself feel numb as he lay on the couch to watch the flames as they died away. Flickering smaller and paler until they were gone, leaving the residue of the paper to smoulder and crumble until there was practically nothing left, just twisted, spiral skeletons and a dusting of brittle ash.

 

**********************

 

Chris looked around the large apartment in satisfaction, given that Jensen hadn’t lived here in four years, the place didn’t look half bad. It was large and airy, with a great view down over the city, the boys had only redecorated shortly before Jared’s accident. Obviously Chris had needed to get a cleaning service in and update the audio visual systems but really it had taken very little to make it ready for Jared to come home to.

Chris was overjoyed to have Jared awake again, he’d always liked the younger man for his own sake as well as for what he meant to Jensen. As the closest thing to family Jensen had, Chris had been the one Jensen had called from college, so happy that he had to share his news with someone; shyly admitting that he’d got a proper boyfriend. Chris had been the only person who’d had any idea that Jensen was gay at that point; Jensen had admitted his secret to Chris in the rehab centre one night when Chris had sneaked back in with a bottle of tequila. Another one of the many incidents that had cemented their long friendship.

Chris had been terribly afraid that someone would take advantage of his friend, with all he’d been through Jensen was still terribly naive. He’d driven through the night to get to Jensen’s side, to meet this man and possibly beat him to a bloody pulp should the need arise. When he arrived, finding the pair of them eating breakfast (naked, which no amount of brain bleach was ever going to get rid of, thank you very much), he’d been pleasantly surprised. Well, after they’d got dressed again, obviously.

Jared had won him over completely in the short space of his visit and Chris had felt that Jensen was in safe hands with the younger man. Chris hadn’t thought anyone else would be good enough for Jensen but Jared had proved himself loyal and dependable and Chris also really liked the guy. It was kind of weird doing this, though. Supervising the cleaning service as they made up the king size bed, making sure the kitchen was filled with plenty of supplies. As his cell rang, Chris felt his heart sink, it was either Jensen with more instructions or . . .  
“Misha, Hi.”  
Chris was so pissed with Jensen for not getting this sorted out. It was becoming increasingly hard for him to talk to Misha, there were only so many different ways he could tell the other man that Jensen still hadn’t left a message for him. To give Misha his due, he never pushed or pleaded but it still made Chris feel like crap that Jensen was making him treat their friend like this.

“Sorry, Misha. Jared’s coming home tomorrow, maybe I’ll be able to talk to Jensen when he comes back into the office.”

“No, Chris, no. It’s really fine. He’ll call me when he’s ready. It’s not your problem.”

“No.” Chris agreed but really everything about Jensen was his problem. Chris had made sure of that after his best friend had seen both his parents killed in a car accident when he was just fourteen.

Chris had had a tough time in high school, transferring in mid semester when he was eleven, he’d been weedy and small. That along with his Cherokee heritage had given the bullies plenty of ammo. Jensen hadn’t cared though, he’d looked out for Chris from day one, taking the other youth under his wing. They’d spent hours together riding and fishing and getting lost in the woods. Even once Chris had established himself, bulked out with teenage hormones and proud enough to embrace his heritage, using it to his advantage to win over the girls, the bond between them had stayed strong.

So when Jensen had needed him the most, Chris had taken it upon himself to visit Jensen every day in the hospital. He’d been there as Jensen’s fractures healed and he learned to walk again. They’d even shared an apartment together for a while before going off separately to college, even then they'd called or e-mailed each other every day. Chris had even majored in business studies at college so that he could help Jensen get involved in his father’s company.

Through all that Chris had never known Jensen to be anything other than totally honest and straightforward. He couldn’t begin to imagine what was going through Jensen’s head right now, that he could just leave Misha hurting like this.

There was only so much crap he was willing to take and when Jared was home, he was determined to find time to get Jensen alone and tackle him about it.

 

*************

 

Jensen really didn’t know which of them was more excited as they pulled up in the car outside of their apartment. As Jared had slowly begun to make progress, he’d become increasingly anxious to leave the hospital and all it entailed behind him. So when two weeks after he’d woken up, the medical staff had finally pronounced him fit enough to leave, Jensen had called Chris to come and get them and they had giggled like a pair of kids almost high on the excitement of it.

He still felt the need to watch Jared’s every step, helping him out of the car and into the house even when Jared teased him and called him mother hen. Chris had laughed at the pair of them, he’d been emotional as he pulled Jared in for a hug. They’d sat at the kitchen table together drinking coffee as they had so many times in the past and Jensen had watched Jared every moment, almost afraid that he would vanish at any minute.

“Well, it was real good to see you, Jared but I gotta get going. Jensen, you gonna walk me to my car?" Chris drawled, his tone deliberately neutral. Jensen looked hesitantly at Jared, he really didn’t want to leave him alone but Jared just flashed him a blinding grin, “Go on, dude, I think I can make it as far as the couch on my own. See ya’ Chris.”

Jensen followed Chris down the stairs, “Okay, Chris, the place looks amazing, thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

You owe me more than one, buddy.” Chris's voice was hard and cold, “Misha is my friend, man. What the fuck is going on?” Jensen recoiled at his words, feeling them like a guilty squeeze around his heart.

“I don’t know, Chris,” he admitted. “Fuck it! I mean Jared needs me, you know?”  
“Yeah, I get that but Misha was there for you for a whole fuckin’ year, man. You haven’t even fuckin’ called him.” Chris's words tore at Jensen's heart, he tried to push his thoughts and feelings about Misha into a box. In the hospital it had been easy to pretend that he didn't exist but Jensen knew that now he was home he would have to face the situation and probably sooner rather than later.

“I don’t know what to say to him, Chris.” Jensen admitted.

“I really don’t care, Jensen, the man’s really fuckin’ hurting here. You got to sort it out and you gotta tell the big guy too.”

“I know,” Jensen dropped his voice, “Just give me a couple of days, okay? I need to just let Jay settle in again first." He took a deep breath and finally looked up to meet Chris's steady gaze. "I . . . Is Misha okay? I miss him, it’s so fucked up.”

“Man, you know I always got your back but yeah, this is a total crock and you’ve gotta sort it out before it blows up in your face.”

Chris shook his head and gave Jensen’s arm a squeeze, “He’s . . . well, he’s a long way from okay but he’s dealing. Sort this out quick, Jen, okay?”

Jensen nodded and watched with a heavy heart as his friend drove off. He ran quickly up the stairs eager to get back to Jared, he paused at the door, knowing that if he went in looking as flustered as he felt Jared would pick up on it instantly. He took a few deep breaths trying to steady his nerves before letting himself in but he needn’t have worried.

Jared was asleep again, stretched out on their monster sized couch in front of the TV, a wide smile still spread on his face. His lover looked more restful and at ease than Jensen had seen him since he woke up and he was really glad that Jared had finally been able to come home.

He browsed through the kitchen, checking the supplies that Chris had arranged, there was plenty there but Jensen figure that it would be fun to order in. He called the Thai place round the corner and ordered all of Jared’s favourites then took a beer and curled up on the couch beside Jared to watch him sleep until the food arrived.


	6. Chapter 6

Jared recovered more quickly once he was safely back at home, he was still often very sleepy but he usually managed on just a couple of short naps during the day now. They still spent the days quietly, Jared wanted to catch up on what he missed, reading the papers and watching TV. Obviously friends and family were keen to visit now but Jensen persuaded them to keep these to a minimum. Jensen knew he was trying to hide in a bubble with Jared but he didn’t care. All he wanted was just a short time to enjoy the miracle of having his lover back once more.

They had only been home a few days when Jared decided he was going to go stir crazy if they didn’t get out of the apartment soon. “Come on, Jen.” he pleaded, “Just for a meal, you, me and Chris. That’s got to be okay, right?” So against his better judgement, Jensen had capitulated and booked a table at his favourite bistro. It had the benefit of being just a short car ride away so the travelling shouldn’t be too tiring for Jared either.

Jared had been back on good form too, excited about going out, making a point of dressing up smart and teasing Jensen good naturedly about his own choice of outfit. He did look gorgeous actually, even to Jensen’s biased eyes, still too thin but Jared's eyes sparkled again and he was filling out a bit to what he had been.

They met Chris at the restaurant and had a drink together at the bar before being ushered to their table where they ordered the food. While they waited for their choices to arrive Chris started to bring Jensen up to date with what has happening at work but Jared was more interested in eavesdropping on the conversations at the nearby tables.

“They’re talking about you,” Jared grinned. He always had been amused by the attention they attracted when they were out, playing up to and even encouraging it. While Jensen was acutely embarrassed and tried to avoid it, hoping to melt into the scenery, Jared would be chatting with just about anybody. He had that knack of putting everyone at ease and making them feel like he was their best friend. Jensen turned to flash a look at the nearby table that Jared was gleefully eavesdropping on.

“Oh yeah, sure.” The surgically enhanced brunette was wearing a lime green blouse that was the height of fashion but looked terrible on her. She was obviously looking at Jensen as she talked loudly at a rapid clip with a blonde friend. They were accompanied by a pair of apathetic men who looked like they’d be more at home in an investment bank than the chic little bistro.

“I went to the opening of his new Gallery a couple of weeks ago now, it’s definitely him.”

One of the bored looking guys perked up a little at that, “I didn’t know Ackles had a gallery, I’ve got stock in his company.” He too now looked across the table at Jensen with interest. They were both being quite blatant about their scrutiny and Jensen could feel himself blushing.

“Yeah, anyway Lucy’s friend, Misha Collins invited me to the opening, the Gallery’s going to be a fabulous showcase for all sorts of new talent.” The woman was gushing, trying to make the most of her tenuous connection. “Anyone who’s anyone was there, even a photographer from Hello!” and Jared was grinning, obviously enjoying the show she was unconsciously putting on. “I didn’t know you’d taken to patronising the arts,” he teased quietly.

Jensen felt like he was watching a train wreck in progress and there was nothing he could do to stop it, he and Chris could only watch in horror as Jared continued to listen, oblivious as to what was about to happen.

“I’ve got one of Misha’s pieces; the bronze work is so terribly good for holding its value,” the blonde contributed.

“Oh right yeah, anyway apparently Misha is going to be exhibiting at the Phoenix next month. Its Jensen Ackles’ new project so of course his beau will get first bite of the cherry, and they do make such a charming couple . . .”

As the conversation on the neighbouring table continued Jared turned to face Jensen, the blood visibly draining from his face; Jensen felt nausea begin to rise in his throat. They were all too dumbstruck to speak for a few moments until Jared finally broke the silence.

Jared’s voice was bewildered; “Will somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on?”  
Jensen let his eyes fall to the floor, he could feel himself shrinking down in his chair. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to be . . . it’s not . . . Jared please.”  
“Oh, God, Jensen, please. Is it true?” Jared’s voice was broken and small and Jensen could only look helplessly between him and Chris as he struggled for the words that he knew were long overdue.

Chris was obviously furious, Jensen didn’t think he’d ever seen him so angry but his tone was icy cold and quiet. “I’m sorry, Jared. Jensen has something he needs to tell you, he should have told you before you were well enough to come home.” Abruptly he pushed back his chair and stood up, “I’m really not hungry anymore. Jensen, I’ll see you in the office tomorrow. Jared, I’m real sorry, if there’s anything you need please call me.”

Jared’s expression had become tortured, the betrayal written all over his face and Jensen realised suddenly that they were still in public, the rest of the Bistro customers watching their table with open mouths. The knowledge obviously hit Jared as well because he too stood suddenly and stormed out leaving Jensen alone and flustered.

By the time he had finally paid the bill for the uneaten food and collected their jackets Jensen expected Jared to have gone but he was waiting outside. He leaned against the wall looking pale and tense. “I need to walk a bit, he said quietly, I’ll see you back at the apartment.”

“Please don’t, I need to explain.” Jensen begged, he still hated having Jared out of his sight, couldn’t imagine letting him go off at a time like this.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Jen!” Jared burst out. “Look I know how long it was for God’s sake! I wouldn’t expect you to wait, I might as well have been dead.” He looked at Jensen again and he looked so devastated that Jensen wanted to cry. “I understand that but why did you lie to me since I woke up? That’s what I cant take. You could have told me about him.” Jared pushed forward from the wall and turned in the direction of the apartment. “You didn’t need to lie.” He said quietly.

Suddenly Jared stumbled and Jensen was horribly aware that this was the first time Jared had left the apartment properly since he’d come home. Their special evening out ruined by a careless word from a neighbouring table. Jensen caught his elbow and steadied him, “Let me call a cab, please, just come home?”

The silence in the taxi was deafening, when Jensen tried to speak Jared shook his head, not here. Jensen couldn't bear that Jared was so angry at him like this, he knew he deserved it but it still shook him to the core to see it, Jared’s face white and pinched, his hands clenched into tight fists.

************************

"Did you fuck him in our bed?" Jared’s tone was brutal and desperate as he spat out the words.

“Jesus! Jared, no, please.”

Jared was pacing the kitchen, seemingly unable to even look at Jensen any more. “Tell me about him, I need to know, how can I understand this if you don’t tell me?”  
Jensen reached out helplessly, trying to grab Jared’s arm but Jared backed away, “I'm too fucking mad at you right now. Don't touch me, I don't want to hurt you but I'm so fucking angry.” He stared at his hands with a look of amazement, “Fuck! I almost feel like I could punch you! How can you make me feel like this?”

“I thought you were never coming back, Jay,” Jensen tried to find the words to explain. “It had been three years, three years, Jared and I was with you every day . . . you can't imagine what it was like.”

Jared sighed, the anger seeming to leave him in a rush and he slumped down onto a chair, rubbing at his forehead. "Shit Jensen, don't you get it? Its not that you did it, it’s that you didn't tell me.”

“I . . . at first I couldn’t say anything, Doctor Sandberg said not to upset you, and then I was waiting for the right time but it never happened.” Jensen felt agonized, he knew he had brought this on himself but he hadn‘t wanted to hurt Jared like this, he‘d only wanted to spare Jared any more hardship.”  
“Tell me now,” Jared ordered faintly.

Jensen sucked in a deep breath and reached for his wallet, he took out a picture and put it on the table, showing Jared, Misha’s impish grin and a mop of unruly dark hair. "He . . . Misha, always knew about you. He let me talk about you and visit you, he was kind of special like that. He's an amazing artist, clever, funny. We were together nearly a year.”

Jensen stood up to open a bottle of wine and find glasses; more for something to do than because he really wanted it. He didn’t actually want to talk about Misha, he hadn’t seen him for nearly three weeks and it was a constant dull ache throbbing in his chest that even his joy at having Jared back couldn’t quite mask.

“I never came back home,” Jensen admitted, “after you were moved from the hospital out to Cedar Ridge, I couldn't face coming back here without you so I was living in a hotel.” He took a large swallow of the wine, it was bitter but he didn’t care and rapidly finished his glass.

Jared furrowed his brow, “The whole time? Fuck! Jen, why?”

“Everywhere I looked you were here.” Jensen explained quietly. “I’d walk in and be hit with this barrage of memories; like I’d see you making breakfast or lying in the bed, or I’d hear you calling my name. It was too much, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded his understanding, “I get that.” He took a cautious sip from his glass of wine and watched as Jensen poured himself a second glass.

“I didn't open this place up again till you woke up, I hadn't been back here at all till we came back here together, if I needed anything Chris got it for me. I lived in the hotel for the first three years,” Jensen hesitated, “its just been the last few months that I’ve been living with Misha . . . .”

“You were living with him!” Jared interrupted, his brow furrowed in bewilderment. “Fuck! What does he think about this? About me?”

Jensen hung his head miserably. “I don't know,” he whispered. “I . . . I guess I couldn't find the right time to talk to him either.”

Jared looked at him like he was a stranger, sending daggers of ice through Jensen's heart.

“I need you to leave for a while,” Jared was calm but determined, “I don’t necessarily mean for good but too much has happened, I need to think, to reassess things.”

Jensen wanted to protest, to scream and shout and beg Jared to reconsider but he just nodded numbly, “I’ll go to the hotel for a while, can I . . . Can I call you?”  
Jared shook his head; "I don’t think so, Jen. I’ll call you when I’ve got some of this stuff figured out, alright?"

Jared sat at the table still, nursing his barely touched glass of wine. Jensen kept watching him for a reaction, Jared was never like this, so closed down and cold. He just sat and watched as Jensen threw some clothes into a small bag and opened the door to head for the truck.

"If you need anything call Chris, please? You know, to drive you anywhere or to get anything." Jared nodded with a sad smile, "I will." Jensen started to close the door behind him.  
"Jen . . ."   
He turned back, hoping against hope that Jared was going to say that he’d changed his mind, that Jensen would able to go back to him and make it up to him somehow.

“If you need to go to Misha that’s okay. I’ll understand if you’ve moved on, I just don’t know if I have or not.”

Jensen was on autopilot as he drove across town and checked into the hotel, feeling almost anaesthetised as he went up to the room and unpacked his bag. Just as fast as that he was alone again; from being torn between the two men he loved more then anything he was left with neither of them.

Jensen looked despairingly round the hotel suite he thought he’d never see again. Kicking off his shoes he threw himself on the bed, fuck work! fuck Chris! fuck it all! Dialling room service he asked them to bring up a couple of bottles of Grey Goose. A lost weekend was called for; he was ready to wallow in alcohol and self pity for a while. Fuck the weekend, he was going to lose the whole damned year.

 

*******************************

 

Jared wasn’t sure what time he’d finally slept after Jensen left. He’d wandered around the apartment for some time, looked at all their belongings and realised that it really was exactly the same as always. It should have occurred to him before how totally unnatural it was that in four years literally nothing had changed.

It was starting to sink in more and more of the hell that Jensen must have gone through. He wished he’d been a little more understanding of his lover’s anguish and yet he couldn’t help but feel such terrible pity and guilt for how this Misha must be suffering too. Jared couldn’t understand how the Jensen he had known and loved could just have walked away from his new lover, he must have known how it would have made him suffer.

He had phoned Chris and briefly explained what had happened after he’d left them at the restaurant and Chris had commiserated with him.   
“Jared, man. I’m so sorry you had to find out like that. Misha and him, it’s been kind of a mess.”

“Chris, was it still good between them? Did my waking up . . . well, you know.” He heard Chris suck in a sharp gasp of breath.  
“Fuck, Jay! You can’t ask me that stuff.”

Jared knew it wasn’t fair putting Chris in the middle like this but he had to know. “Sorry, Chris, I really am but I can’t talk to Jen at the moment. If he lo . . . if he loved Misha at all, how could he not tell me about him? How could he go all these days without even speaking to him? It’s crazy, that’s not my Jensen.”

“I know,“ Chris growled. “I think you being sick, did send him a little crazy actually. It was pretty hard going for a long time.”  
“You know Misha right? Was he a good man? Was he good for Jensen?”

Jared waited as Chris paused for the longest time, Jared could hear the other man breathing until he finally swore under his breath.

"Fuck, Jared! I’m sorry. It had been three years okay? And I could barely get him to do any thing other than work or visit you.” Chris voice sounded scared as he remembered how terrible it had been back then. “When I met Misha, we clicked straight away, he’s fun to hang out with, clever, liked our music. I guess I‘d known him about six months when I found out he was gay so I told him about Jensen; and then at my birthday I kind of encouraged Misha to, well, go for it. I just couldn‘t bear to see Jensen on his own anymore.”

Jared felt a strange sense of relief, he knew that if Chris approved of Misha then he had to be okay, he remembered Chris coming down to check him out when he had first gone out with Jensen. “Thank you, Chris. For taking care of him I mean; and for being honest with me. I just need time to get it all straight in my head. There’s so much to come to terms with.”  
“Hey, he was my boy first, of course I was gonna take care of him.”

“You’ve always been a good friend to both of us, Chris.“ Jared acknowledged, “and I know it’s putting you in a crappy position but I have to ask, do you know how Misha is doing? Has he just washed his hands of Jen or what?”

“I don’t think so," Chris answered honestly. “He phones most days to ask how you’re both doing. I’ve never known him do anything that he didn’t go into with his whole heart and soul. I’m sorry, Jared. I don’t think he’ll just get over this just like that.”

“It’s okay, it kind of makes it better in a weird way, that Jen had someone to really love him while I couldn’t.”

After he got off the phone Jared was suddenly exhausted, his legs didn’t feel like they belonged to him and his head ached. Though it was still surprisingly early he wanted nothing more than into fall into bed. Jared was still so stiff and sore though, muscles long unused protested much of the time. He knew he wouldn’t sleep while he was aching so much so he stood in the shower letting the steaming water ease the soreness away. He wondered numbly if he ought to cry, as far as he could remember he and Jensen had never slept a night apart since they first got together but he was still too hurt and angry to cry now.

He lay alone in their bed, it had only been a few hours since they’d been lying here together. Jared was afraid that sleep would be hard to come by when he was in such emotional turmoil but actually he was so physically worn out that he quickly drifted off.

When he woke in the morning, Jared actually felt a lot better. He figured he could either sit around and mope or he could just get on with things. He felt like he’d wasted enough time in the past few years so he went with option two; choosing to start his day with a jog as he had in the past. He was horrified to find that he could barely even make it as far as the park where he used to run regularly. Still, even a ten minute run was better than nothing and he was proud of himself for making a start.

Jared had always been conscious of the way he looked, taking pleasure in running and working out. Scrawny and wasted as he now felt, doing something about his physical health was at least something he could deal with. He could improve his stamina and get back some muscle tone even if the emotional chaos was still impossible to tackle at the moment.

It was also, he thought better for him to be around people. Jared knew he had to start going back into work at some point so why not now? He called ahead to let Garcia know that he was coming and got himself ready to go. He changed into Jeans and a polo shirt, they‘d always been pretty casual at work unless they were meeting new clients or doing a presentation. Only as he prepared to leave the house, did he suddenly realise he had no transport, he was still waiting for his drivers licence to be reissued and the doctor had warned against it for a little while anyway. Swearing softly under his breath, he called Chad to come and get him.

When they arrived another shock was in store for him; the little software company that he and two college classmates had started straight out of college had previously been housed in a single office of a shared building. As they went up he could see it now occupied the entire floor and was fronted by a desk with a secretary who was obviously busy fielding calls. As soon as he walked in, he was greeted by a shriek as Garcia practically threw herself into his arms. Previously he would have swept her up and spun her round but his balance was still a little off and he didn’t want to risk it, settling instead for giving her a smacking kiss.

“Oh my God! Jay, I thought you were going to take your time before you came back.”

He grinned and shrugged, “Guess I just couldn’t stay away.”

“Well, you go to the office with Chad while I get the guys organised,” she indicated the busy looking open office down the corridor, we’ll introduce you to them later. This is Emily, my new right hand woman. Emily, can you sort out coffee for us please and hold my calls? We’ve got a lot to sort out.”

Jared did as he was told, most people did where Garcia was concerned. “That sounds cool, Hi Emily, it’s nice to meet you.”

 

Garcia was, after his Momma, the most special woman in Jared‘s life. They had met at college where she was the only female to graduate with Chad and Jared in their fast track computer tech course. A genius at writing software, she also had a knack for spotting the things people needed, coming up with programs that plugged the holes in existing products. She was also a good friend, she had teamed up with Jared and Chad from the start, assigned to work with them on their first project she'd just fit. It had been a foregone conclusion that they would stick together when they graduated despite being offered separate jobs with existing companies.

Garcia's clothing was as exuberant as her personality. Today, her currently brunette hair was streaked fire engine red and sported a barrette adorned with a scarlet silk flower. Her outfit was similarly coordinated, right down to her crimson, patent Jimmy Choo’s.

Chad was just Chad, a seeming goofball who’s commitment phobia was legendary and the source of much amusement to his friends. He liked to play the fool but was also a staunch ally who had attached himself to Jared at orientation and never left. He had a devious intelligence that meant he was good at finding the flaws in both their own and other people’s products.

They had universally agreed not to go into the gaming market, choosing instead to specialise in software that helped police and other agencies link up and track patterns and demographics. Garcia had met her husband while installing and training some of their software packages for the FBI.

Jared opened their office door to be greeted by the sight of Chad sitting in a large swivel chair with his feet on the desk, Chad was an expert hacker who tested all their products, if he couldn’t crack them no one could. Here too Jared was conscious that his corner of their communal office had been left untouched, another shrine. He realised then how much easier it would have been for everyone if he’d been killed outright. All of his best friends had been left stuck somehow, unable to grieve properly or move on.

Chad swung his feet off the desk and sat up with a grin. “Pull up a pew, Jay man! You didn’t say, are you here to work or catch up on the gossip?” Jared sat on his own swivel chair and wheeled himself over to Chad’s desk.

“Bit of both I guess. So it looks like business is booming, you’ve expanded.” He couldn’t help but notice how much the place had grown or the expensive looking facelift that had been given to the decor.

“Yeah, its been a bit of a rollercoaster but things are really good right now,” Chad agreed cheerfully.

“So you didn’t really need me at all.” Jared said wistfully, he wasn‘t so vain as to believe he was irreplaceable but things really had moved on in his absence.

“Jared, no! We nearly went under without you.” Chad looked at him earnestly.  
“When the recession hit so many companies went to the wall. You uh, you do know there's been a recession, right?" Jared nodded, he'd tried to catch up a little on some of the events that had happened over the past four years.

"Jensen saved us," Chad continued. "He kept us going and invested in us enough so we could expand to fill the gaps that others had left. He said he believed in us because he knew you had.”

“Jensen did? Oh fuck!” Jared’s face fell as he saw yet another of the ways that Jensen had been taking care of him.

“Jared, what’s wrong?” Even the apparently insensitive Chad had noticed how his words had affected his friend.

Jared looked at Chad miserably. “I . . . I think I dumped Jensen yesterday, he had someone else.”  
Chad’s expression turned horrified and he opened the door to lean out. “Garcia!” he yelled. “Get in here, we need ice cream stat!”

She bustled in quickly, her heels tapping on the floor. “What is it? What’s wrong? Jared are you okay?”

Chad shrugged, “I don’t know,” he said with a theatrical shudder. “It’s a relationship issue.”

Garcia glared at him then turned to Jared with a guilty expression, “You found out about Misha.” she stated quietly.

Jared was horrified, “You knew! How the fuck did everybody know except me?”

“I’m sorry, Jared,” Garcia blinked back tears, “As far as we knew he ended it with Misha as soon as you woke up, are you saying he didn’t?”

Chad put an awkward hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Sorry, Jay-man but what were we supposed to say? Hey dude! while you were playing zombies your squeeze got himself a new fuck buddy?”

Garcia punched Chad on the arm, “Douche!”

“No, he’s right.” Jared shook his head slowly. “Sometimes I feel if it would have been easier on everyone if I’d just died, or at least hadn’t woken up.”

“Oh Jared.” Garcia moved beside him and hugged him tight, pressing his face into her impressive breasts. “Never think that, baby boy. You are so precious. I prayed every day that you’d come back to us.”

“Yeah, what she said,” Chad agreed gruffly.

Jared snuggled in for a moment, Garcia really was a very comforting person to be around. He gave a fond grin, “not complaining at all,” he said. “Its very nice here and if anything was going to send me straight, it would have been these babies but have they grown?”  
Garcia moved away with a little sigh, she picked a photograph off her desk and showed him a gorgeous laughing little boy with latte coloured skin and soft brown eyes. “I had a baby, Jared, this is my little Jay bird.”

“Oh Jesus!” Jared slumped forward again, every time he heard something else he’d missed while he was unconscious he felt physically winded, as though he’d been punched in the gut.

“I’m sorry, baby boy,” Garcia whispered, visibly moved by his distress. Chad watched them uncomfortably, he didn’t do well with talking about emotions.  
“I haven’t changed,” he offered supportively. “I still haven’t managed to hook up with anyone for longer than two weeks.”

“That’s great Chad,” Jared grinned. “I’m glad you’re so reliable.”   
“Hey, man! I’ve always said the Chadster is so awesome that its got to be shared.”  
And once again Jared was hit with the memories of the previous evening with Jensen.

“Chad, haven’t you got work to do?” Garcia took Jared’s arm. “Come on, Jay, come and meet the team. We’ll figure out what you’re going to take responsibility of now that you’re back. Our last appraisals showed minor weaknesses in the promotional website design so maybe you should start overhauling that while you’re getting back into the swing of things.”

He smiled at her gratefully, and swatted Chad around the back of his head as he stood up. “You heard the lady, we’ve got work to do.”

Jared found the work well within his capabilities, finding that he quickly got the hang of the way the company had expanded. He enjoyed the challenge of designing the website and both Garcia and Chad took the time to help bring him up to speed on the huge advances that had been made in his absence, particularly in the hardware field. Chad took him shopping and encouraged him to buy both an I-phone and a state of the art tablet. Playing with these new toys helped Jared pass the time when he wasn’t working or trying to improve his physical fitness.

All the time he was aware of the need to call Jensen as a physical ache but somehow he wasn’t quite ready to talk to the other man yet. Every phone call from his parents or Chris, every conversation with Chad and Garcia seemed to bring up some other detail he’d missed, some global change that had occurred. He hadn’t realised just how much had happened in four years and although it was hard without Jensen, Jared felt better that he was able to start processing things alone.

He found that as he grew physically stronger, it was easier to start dealing with things like this. Each day he spent an hour or more on the phone to his Momma, although she too obviously avoided the topic of Jensen. Unable to let Jensen go completely, he phoned Chris each day to check on how the other man was doing. Although Chris wasn’t exactly reassuring he at least knew that Jensen was safely living at the hotel even if he hadn’t gone back to work.

Some days though it was still so hard; the physical effort it took to get up and out for a run in the mornings often left him shaking and throwing up on his returns. Runs that he could have done in minutes before felt like they took hours. Eating too was still hard sometimes, he had had a huge appetite for food before but so often these days strong tastes and textures left him repelled and nauseous. On those days he kept himself going on milky Coffee and protein shakes, wondering how sleeping for four years could have left him so damned tired.

Everyday he promised himself “soon.” Soon he would call Jensen, soon he would try to figure out how they could deal with this.


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen tried to give Jared the space he needed, really he did. It was hard waiting though, staying in the hotel because he couldn't face Chris or anyone else if it came to it. He longed to answer the phone when Misha called but he couldn't let himself do that either, not while things were still unresolved with Jared. For nearly three weeks Jensen had waited for him to call - nineteen days ten hours actually; but he couldn’t bear it any longer.

He felt like a total stalker as he headed to the park near their apartment, he figured Jared just might have gone back to his old routines and he always used to run there in the mornings. Despite the fact that he was hoping to see how Jared was doing, he hadn't expected to practically bump into him near the lake path.

Jensen didn’t know where to look, couldn’t meet the hazel eyes that had once been so familiar. “You look well,“ he muttered while staring at the ground. Jared laughed and the sound was so startling and normal that Jensen couldn’t help but raise his eyes and look. In just those few short weeks since he’d last seen Jared, the man had started to regain his former bulk, he was wearing a dark green polo shirt that brought out the colour of his eyes and his hair, kept short in the hospital was once more touching his collar.

“I can’t say the same for you,” Jared said bluntly, “you look like crap!”

Jensen knew it was true; he’d not been able to eat or sleep properly since he moved back into the hotel. His pain at being unable to contact Jared, not letting himself contact Misha had worn him down; though he constantly plagued Chris for news of both men, until his stocky friend had threatened to stake him if he didn’t get his act together.

Three weeks of hiding indoors, drinking too much, not eating enough, he was a mess and he knew it. Jared on the other hand, looked well and even happy. He had been jogging when he first spotted Jensen, and there was a flush to his skin, his eyes had lit up at the sight of Jensen. They still sparkled now and it made Jensen die a little more inside as he realised how much he still loved the man. Everything about him was so familiar and so right.

He found himself choking on the words he wanted to say, “I need to go now, I shouldn’t have come here, I’m sorry, it wasn’t fair,” as he backed off almost running up the path. Jensen couldn't stand to give Jared the chance to tell him to leave again, he knew he wouldn’t live through the pain of it a second time.

*********************

Jared was horrified by the state that Jensen was in, he already knew from Chris that the other man wasn’t coping with the situation. He hadn’t fully realised the extent of the problem though. Jared knew now that he still loved Jensen and wanted to be with him more than anything but he’d seen for himself the photos. It had only taken a brief internet search to come up with a sheaf of newspaper articles about the gallery opening and about Misha’s work. He’d seen how Jensen had looked at Misha and he knew that they could never be happy together again until the situation between them was properly resolved.

He washed and showered quickly and then flipped open his cell phone to call Chris, as he dressed.

“Hey, can you give me Misha’s address? I think it’s time I talked to him.”

“Well, talking to each other instead of through me, now that's a novel idea!” Chris drawled, “Wonder why none of you fuckers thought of that before.”

“Chris, quit snarking and give me the address, Jensen's cracking up and I have to do something, we have to do something.” Jared knew his voice was laced with concern and he hoped Chris would understand the need for urgency.

“Okay, okay! You sort my boy out, he’s too darn stupid to do anything about it himself.”

Jared scribbled down the address that Chris gave him and called a taxi, he knew that it was better to do this quickly. He was afraid that if he waited, he would loose his nerve. He could only hope and trust in Jensen's judgement that Misha was a good guy and that he wouldn't get a bloody nose for his troubles.

Jared pounded on the door, there was no bell and the music that leaked from the apartment seemed pretty loud. Jared recognised it too; a favourite album of Jensen's, he had left it in the apartment and Jared had played it himself several times during the previous weeks. When the door finally opened he held up his hand in greeting, "Hi, I’m Jared. I thought it was time we met.” His heart was pounding in his chest as he waited to see what Misha would do.

The older man nodded, looking him up and down thoughtfully then he smiled, “Indeed, although we have met before.” Jared looked at him quizzically, entranced by the beautiful smile that lit up the man’s face. “Come in.” Misha opened the door with a theatrical bow and he seemed so at ease with himself, so confident, yet Jared could see the dark circles under his eyes, and the way his clothes hung a little too loose on his frame; this man was suffering too. He was still gorgeous though, the photos of him hadn’t really done him justice.

Jared followed him into the loft, Misha leading him through the huge space until they reached the living area.

“Jensen brought me to see you once, when you were . . . you know, still asleep. Is there a politically correct term for it?”

“I didn’t realise I was a freak show” Jared said bitterly .

“Jared! Really?” Misha admonished, “Do you actually think that little of him?”

Jared sat down on the couch looking round him for signs of Jensen. Knowing that his lover had lived here was hard to get his head around, the four years of events that he had missed were still hard to process.

Misha turned the volume down on the music "Well?"

Jared shook his head apologetically, “No. No I really don’t. I saw him today and he’s falling apart, I couldn’t bear it.”

“What do you mean? Saw him today?” Misha looked concerned, “Aren't you back at home together now?”

“I . . . I asked him to leave, three weeks ago. He . . . didn’t tell me about you. I found out by accident and it spun me out, that he could keep something so huge from me.”

“He’s alone?” Misha's voice was filled with concern.

“Yeah and he’s . . . fuck! Chris told me he hasn’t shown up at work the whole time, he’s drinking, he’s just . . . I hadn’t realised you know? How much these past few years have taken it out of him.” Jared looked up helplessly. “He was always kind of fragile, I liked that he needed me so much but today he just looked so broken. I’ve never seen him like that before, I don't know what to do too fix him.”

Jared took out his wallet and carefully unfolded the magazine article he'd printed off the internet. Lots of photos of Misha with his work; wearing a suit at an exhibition, in the studio with his scruffy hair held back by a bandana, animated as he talked to the reporter. A candid shot of Jensen caught unawares as he gazed fondly at his lover, eyes lit up and a proud smile on his face. "I can’t give him this, he loves you, its so obvious he needs you. "

Misha looked at the photo and traced the line of Jensen's face with his finger, “I never saw these before, I‘m not big on reading my own publicity, I might start to believe it.” He looked at Jensen’s face for a moment, and Jared could see the pain it was causing him written all over Misha’s face. It made Jared uncomfortable, he hadn’t come here to deliberately upset the other man, he just hadn’t known where else to go.

“Fuck! I’m so sorry,” he muttered.

Misha shrugged, “Not your fault." he acknowledged. "Tell me about him, tell me how he was before your accident.”

“Shit! I don’t know where to start.” Jared thought for a moment as he tried to figure out where to begin.

“Okay, well he’s older than me, you knew that right? He was hurt in the car accident that killed his parents so he was held back a couple of years and we met at college. He was, well you know what he looks like now but back then he was just so damn pretty and completely unaware of it. I was the out kid, in the LGBT league, always at the front of the pride march and he was so far back in the closet it was untrue.” Jared smiled, picturing Jensen as he had been then. A painfully shy, English major who hadn’t yet swapped his glasses for contacts, who’d somehow managed to gather the courage to stop Jay in a corridor and ask him for details of the next LGBT meeting.

“Still we found each other and that was it for both of us. We were never apart for more than a few hours right from the start. That’s why its been kind of crazy since he went away, its like this is the longest we’ve been apart since we first met, how wild is that? It drives me nuts what he must have gone through. I can’t begin to imagine.” He looked up at Misha, gaining courage from the concern and empathy that the other man was showing. “There was no time at all gone for me, the last thing I remember is lying in bed watching him get ready for work, the next thing I’m waking up. It’s kind of hard to get my head round the fact that it’s four years later.”

“Pretty freaky huh!” Misha gestured to the canvas he was working on, “I started this from the sketches I did after I came to visit you, I couldn't deal with thinking about Jensen so I thought about you instead. I’m real glad that you don’t remember any of it, I had this kind of horror that you were watching us, hearing us but trapped in your body and not able to do anything.” He tapped the picture of Jensen, “I think he was afraid of that too.”

Impulsively Jared grasped Misha’s hand. “I’m glad he had you even for a part of it, he was never very good at being alone.” Jared couldn’t help but think of Jensen, how he’d been when they first met; studious and quiet but always with a great sense of humour. Despite always seeming to be part of a large group of friends Jared had quickly seen through the facade, had found Jensen had no real friends other than Chris and Steve who sometimes visited him from back home. Almost from the first time they met Jensen had gravitated to Jared, had made Jared feel like he was the centre of the universe. Always trying to look independent and capable but so willing to give up everything for Jared. Jared had always found the other mans’ love and trust in him awe inspiring.

The memories suddenly made Jared feel really stupid for trying to be apart from him now. Lost in the recollections Jared’s voice trailed off, “We have to put this right.”

“I thought you were very beautiful when I came to see you in the hospital.” Misha admitted suddenly, breaking into Jared‘s reverie. “I was honoured that Jensen loved me enough to share you with me.” He jumped up suddenly, “Where are my manners? Would you like a drink? Are you allowed a drink?”

“Oh yeah,” Jared smiled his trademark face splitting grin, “I could really use a beer right now.”

“You were pretty brave coming here but I’m really glad you did.” Misha kept talking as he headed to the fridge.

“I was desperate" Jared admitted. “It scared me so much seeing him like that you know? Control was pretty much his thing before. He looked wrecked.”

“I . . . I haven’t seen him since before you woke up, Jared.” Misha said softly, “Well to be strictly fair he won’t see me but I wasn’t going to make demands or make him choose. I thought he knew me better than that.”

“I’m sorry, sometimes he ends up being a douche even when he’s trying to do the right thing.” Jared murmured.

Misha deftly popped the tops off the beer bottles and handed one to Jared before sitting beside him on the couch, just a little too close for comfort and as he leaned even nearer Jared realised that maybe there was someone with even less regard for personal space than himself.

“There is a solution you know,” Misha’s gaze was frank and Jared was shocked by a thrill of lust curling in his stomach. “Yeah?” He said carefully.

“Yeah, see Jensen’s got it all tied up in his head, that he’s got to choose, or if he can’t choose he doesn’t deserve either of us.” Misha took Jared’s hand in his and Jared let him.

“I know, he’s always been like that, over thinking, knotting himself up, making things worse by trying to deal with things alone.”

Misha nodded, “He shouldn’t have to be alone, Jared. None of us should.”

And actually, Jared knew that Misha was right, it was the idea that had been skirting the edges of his thoughts for the past few days, not quite able to face it and yet knowing that this might just be the only way Jensen could ever be truly happy again.

“I need . . . I need to think about this.” Jared knew he should be shocked at what he had been thinking, what Misha was suggesting but actually being here with Misha was the closest thing to peace that he’d had in three weeks. Just being near Misha was filling Jared with confidence and hope.

“Talk to him, Jared please. At least he still talks to you, he won’t answer my calls.” For the first time, Misha seemed to lose his calm facade, he grabbed Jared’s hand, “Please," he begged. "I know I have no right to ask this of you, I knew when I got into a relationship with him that you were there. You were always part of us in a very real way. I always knew he was yours.”

“No.” Jared found himself reaching out to the other man; touch had always been the way that he approached the world, always free with his hands. Now he was so moved by Misha’s distress, he pulled him easily into a hug and with Misha in his arms it suddenly all seemed so simple.

“Not mine, ours.” he confirmed. Jared’s embrace was meant to sooth at first, his hand rubbing gentle circles on Misha’s back to give them both comfort. But after some moments Jared's hand began to stray, seemingly of its own volition, drifting up to cup Misha's face as Misha leaned in to kiss him, so slowly, so questioningly that it was maddening.

Misha placed his palms flat on Jared’s chest, letting his thumbs brush Jared’s nipples and Jared‘s reaction was instant, he could feel himself hardening in response to Misha‘s touch.  
“God you’re so big,” Misha’s voice was wondering as he let his hands rest for a moment on Jared’s biceps.  
Jared laughed shakily, arching into the touch. He knew he was in danger of losing control, the first time he had been close to someone other than Jensen in such a very long time.

Misha made out like it was the sole purpose of his existence, he made Jared feel like he was the centre of the world as Misha straddled his lap and rocked into him, barely brushing his groin, pressure hardly there but still too much.

Jared shivered and tried to gather his rapidly scattering thoughts. "Hey, I'm not saying I want to stop, fuck! I cant wait to do this properly but I haven't, not since I woke up.”

“I guess we shouldn’t really start this now then.” Misha agreed regretfully, leaning forward to kiss Jared one last time before standing up.

As Jared stood too, he felt a wave of dizziness and he clutched Misha's shoulder for support as a shooting pain blasted through his temple. Misha caught him and held him steady.  
“Jared, man! are you okay?”  
Jared breathed slowly as he tried to regain his equilibrium, then he used the last of the beer to chase down some of the painkillers that he now always carried as Misha watched him with concern.

“This is nothing, just residual headaches and dizziness, the doctors say they'll fade over time.” the dizziness had mostly passed but the pain still throbbed in his head.

“That sucks,” Misha sympathised, “I thought Chris said that you were fine?”

Jared shrugged, “It just doesn‘t seem important, I haven’t told anyone.”

“Oh, Jared.” Misha’s blue eyes were pools of compassion.

“It’s nothing important,” Jared insisted. “I lost over a third of my body weight, I still feel like I’m not quite in control of my body, its too lanky, too scrawny, like it’s not really mine at all.”

“You shouldn't have been alone either,” Misha observed. “This has been such a fucking mess for all of us, we need to be together now. We should go to him.”

“I'm not allowed to drive yet,” Jared admitted.

“That's cool,” Misha smirked, “I've still got Jensen's platinum Amex, we can go by jet if you like.”

“Nah," Jared grinned, “by taxi is fine.”


	8. Chapter 8

Jared yanked the ‘do not disturb’ sign off the hotel room door and knocked softly, “hey, Jensen!” he called. When there was no response he tried again, a little louder, still with no reply. “Jensen!”

Misha was starting to look worried. “Fuck! He is in there, right?”

Jared pulled out his cell phone and speed dialled Jensen, from inside the room they could hear Jensen‘s cell trilling out his ring tone. “He’s in there," Jared said grimly. “Jensen!” he yelled, “Come on, open the damn door!”

Misha shook his head, “I don't like this, I'm getting help.”

When he returned a few minutes later he had a member of hotel staff with him, the man looked at them doubtfully. Misha was in full schmooze mode as he tried to persuade the man to unlock the door for them, he looked suspicious to start with until Jared flipped a couple of bills out of his wallet, “Please, I’m sure Mr Ackles would be terribly grateful.”

Finally the man gave in and swiped his master key card, shoving the door open to survey the scene, wrinkling his nose in disdain at the fusty smell from the darkened room. Jared pushed his way past him into the room.

“Jensen!” The man in question was sprawled on the floor in front of the couch, his skin was grey, an empty vodka bottle was loosely grasped in his hand.

“Oh shit! Should we call 911?” the manager was obviously thinking of damage limitations.

“Is he . . . oh God!” Jared looked at him in horror.

Misha dropped to his knees beside Jensen, checking for a pulse and after a few tense moments, breathed out a sigh of relief.

“He’s fine, just drunk as a skunk.” Misha turned to the guy who’d let them in, “It’s okay, thank you, we’ll take it from here. Could you arrange room service to send us up a large pot of coffee?”

“Certainly, Sir.” The man obviously seemed in a hurry to get out now and Jared quickly peeled off some more bills as he ushered the man to the door. “Mr Ackles is a very private person, understand?”

“Perfectly, Sir.” The man gave him a nod, “I’ll sort out the Coffee. I’m David, ask for me personally if you need anything else.”

Misha was struggling to try and lift Jensen who just moaned and collapsed back onto the floor. Jared shook his head, “Stupid fucker!” he muttered fondly, “I guess its a bit late to stage an intervention now.” Stooping down he hefted Jensen up into his arms and gently took him over to the bed. He pulled a moue of displeasure “dude, you are rank.”

“Let him sleep it off, Jay, we can clean him up later.” Misha advised.

Jared looked up at Misha’s use of the nickname, “Sorry,” Misha apologised, “I'm so used to hearing him call you that.”

“Its okay, just wasn't expecting it that's all. Like you say, it’s him that calls me that but if we're going to try this then . . . how is this going to work, Misha?"

“Just like any other relationship, I guess. A day at a time. We both care about him and he cares about us, so that's where we start. Right now he needs both of us.”  
Huddled on the bed Jensen groaned and retched. Jared swore “Crap! He’s going to hurl, help me get him to the bath room.”

Between them they supported Jensen as they carried him to the bathroom and Jared held him over the toilet as he heaved up the alcohol that had been the only thing he’d consumed that day. Misha rinsed a washcloth under the cold tap and gently used it to wipe Jensen's face. Jensen lolled between them seemingly unaware of what was happening. They nursed him between them, holding him and wiping his face, he muttered unintelligible drunk talk but was still pretty out of it. When they had figured that was probably it, they took him back to the bed, Jared carefully stripping off his clothes and easing him under the clean covers, while Misha opened some of the curtains and windows to let in some fresh air.

With Jensen finally settled and safely sleeping on his side they stood awkwardly watching him, Misha’s expression was a turbulent mixture of anger and concern. “If he’d been alone, he could have choked to death or given himself alcohol poisoning or Gods knows what else.”

Jared could only nod his agreement, he didn’t know how to deal with Jensen like this, a Jensen who was so desperate and broken.

“Its my fault,” Misha said, “I should have made him see me, I was being so fucking stubborn thinking he had to come to me.”

“Well then its my fault too because I’m the one who sent him away.” Jared said ruefully.

Misha swayed on his feet and Jared looked at him with shrewd concern, noting again the hollow shadows around his eyes. “Have you eaten at all today? When did you last sleep?” Misha shook his head apologetically, “not sure” he admitted. “I get all screwed up when I’m working, I don’t know how long I’d been painting when you came, maybe all night, I think.”

Jared shook his head, “What the hell have I gotten myself into? Pair of fucking idiots!” he muttered fondly. He put him arm round Misha’s shoulder and gently guided him to the bed, “here, sit down.” He helped Misha take off his jacket and shoes. “I think I’ve had enough sleep to last me for a while, I’ll watch over him, you rest for a bit okay?” Misha shook his head but allowed Jared to manoeuvre him down onto the bed, “Are you really okay with this?” he asked. Jared nodded, kissing him softly, “Just sleep now, okay?”

It was weird, Jared thought watching the pair of them sleep, how the tables had turned, how it had been them watching him for so long. He still couldn’t really process the time that had passed, it was something almost too huge to think about. That he had missed all those birthdays and thanksgivings and Christmases, missed the birth of Garcia’s baby and the death of his grandfather. He looked in the mirror and saw a stranger, although everyone told him he was just the same.

Even unconscious they gravitated together, Misha curled small into Jensen's side, Jensen shifting in his sleep to throw his arm over the younger man. It made Jared feel overwhelmingly protective seeing them like that, to see Jensen so vulnerable in a way he hadn’t been since the very earliest days of their relationship. He was also aware of his attraction to Misha, the older man's intensity was magnetic; he had a way of getting under your skin.

 

*************************

 

Jensen stirred and opened his eyes, he looked doubtfully at Misha sleeping next to him; what the fuck had happened? His head was pounding and his mouth tasted foul. He tried to sit up but his head swam, there was an incredible heat along the length of his back.

“Hey you, welcome back to the land of the living.” the voice was gentle, full of loving concern.

Was that Jared? Jared’s heat? Jared’s voice?

“Jay, what the fuck happened? I cant remember. . ." Jensen had only the sensation of the overwhelming misery and despair he’d been in after he’d seen Jared at the park, then going back ot the hotel and being so damn lonely. He couldn’t figure out what the other men were doing here. Had he called them? He didn’t think so but he couldn’t remember.

Jared helped him sit up and gave him a glass of water and a couple of aspirins, “Here this’ll make you feel better, not that you deserve to after the scare you gave us.”  
“Us?” he parroted dumbly, he wasn’t able to process what was happening.  
Jared looked at him patiently, “Misha and me. We figured it was time we all got together to sort this out but when we got here you’d been too busy making friends with Jim, Jack and José to notice us.”

Jensen’s stomach roiled, Misha was here next to him and he wanted to reach out and touch him but the miracle that was Jared was here too; it rammed home the hopeless impossibility of his situation, “I can’t,” he said miserably.

“Can’t what?” Jared’s voice was still so unbelievably calm and patient as he sat there on the edge of the huge bed beside Jensen, he just looked at him with this strange glint in his eye.

“Can’t choose.” Jensen said miserably. He felt a tear slide down his face and waited for Jared to get ready to say goodbye for ever but Jensen suddenly found himself in Jared’s arms being held close. “No one’s asking you too, idiot,” and it felt so incredibly safe being pressed up against Jared’s chest and Jensen knew it was ridiculous, he wasn’t some twink who needed to be coddled and looked after but there was nothing else that felt like being held by Jared. His embrace was so warm and encompassing, Jensen could only lie there weakly and let Jared enfold him. He tried to preserve the feeling in his mind, afraid that this was the last time he‘d get to experience it.

“Stop it, Jen,” Jared commanded, “just chill, I’m here, I love you, I’m going nowhere and neither is Misha,” he leaned in and pressed a kiss to the side of Jens' eye, "but I’m not kissing you properly till you’ve cleaned your teeth!”

As the aspirin started to kick in Jensen started to feel a little more human. He drank two cups of coffee as he lay in Jared's arms, watching Misha sleep out of the corner of his eye. It was too much to think about, that they were both here with him, he still felt too fragile to question Jared further. Finally he sat up. “Okay, I think its shower time,” he announced, not really wanting to move but his desire to kiss Jared beginning to outweigh any other considerations. He was also becoming aware of how rank he was feeling and figured that it wasn't really very fair to Jay either.

Jared was obviously reluctant to let Jensen go, “I could come with you,” he suggested almost shyly and it made Jensen laugh with a heady mixture of joy and relief. “You're asking me if I want to shower with you? Fuck! Jay, yeah! Of course, yes!”

Teeth clean and standing under the powerful jets of hot water Jensen felt the remainder of the tension and hopelessness drain out of him, Jared's fingers on his scalp as he massaged in the shampoo felt like heaven and Jensen let out a grateful moan, “God, Jay! I've wanted your hands on me so much, you can't imagine.”

“I can, I really can,” Jay said fervently as he finally leaned in for a kiss, gentle at first but rapidly escalating until they were pressed closer, Jared claiming Jensen's mouth, kissing him until Jensen was breathless and his cock was hard against Jared's thigh.

"Starting without me isn’t fair," Misha's voice shocked Jensen and he froze, startled by the other's mans presence. How could he have forgotten that the other man was there? And then Misha had shucked off his clothes and was in the water with them and Jensen was so afraid for a moment it made him giddy.

He didn't know how Jared would react to Misha’s assumption that this would be okay but Jared just reached out his arm to hook Misha in close, kissing him as thoroughly as he had been doing to Jensen. It was one of the hottest things Jensen had ever seen, watching these two men that he loved so much touching each other. Jared was so hot, so all consuming and Misha was responding with his fierce dedication and passion and it made Jensen feel even more light headed, his knees starting to buckle.

And then Jared was holding him up, his back was plastered against Jared’s chest feeling the hard ridge of Jared’s erection pressing against his crease, Jared’s arm a vice holding him steady round his chest. When Misha dropped to his knees in front of Jensen, water streaming over his face and oh fuck! taking Jensen’s cock in his mouth it was almost too much, such pleasure growing out of his pain.

Jensen knew he was crying now, babbling and cursing calling out a litany of their names and “love” and “fuck!” and Jared was rutting against him, each thrust of Jared's hips pushing him deeper into Misha's mouth, Misha moaning his pleasure and taking everything, his hands on Jensen's hips.

Being held and fucked by them both, Jensen felt a sense of completeness he’d never known before, although coherent thought was rapidly becoming impossible. Jared’s hips began to stutter against him and Jensen knew that Jared was close to coming. "Fuck Jared! Yeah, so good, so fucking amazing, missed you so much," and Misha so skilfully working him and "love you, Mish, love you, babe, so sorry” and Misha’s clever fingers were tugging on his balls and Jensen was coming so hard it was almost painful and he sagged back against Jared, shaking with the aftershocks, scarcely able to move.

He wanted to help Misha who was moaning urgent little whines but he couldn’t seem to do anything, could only watch as Jared yanked Misha in closer for a another kiss, open mouthed and sloppy and they were both so needy, cocks jutting, glistening with water and pre-come and Jensen was pressed so close between his two lovers bodies, it was almost impossible to move. Then Misha was thrusting against Jared’s thigh and Jared turned so that he could grip both their cocks together in one hand. Misha cursed and Jensen could see Jared working his thumb over the head of Misha’s cock. They were coming together, Misha with a soft cry and Jared with a throaty chuckle, deep and triumphant; his eyes sparkling as he pulled them all in for a three way kiss that was a tangle of tongues and tastes and heat and Jensen didn’t want it to end.

 

******************************

 

“What do you think, Misha? Reckon he could take both of us at once?” Jared grinned as they dried themselves off and shrugged back into their clothes.

Misha looked at Jensen appraisingly, “I reckon, it would be fun to try,” he observed, “I think I might need something to eat first though.”

“Fuck! you two are going to kill me aren’t you?” Jensen shook his head in amazement, “I think I want to be alone again.”

“No you don’t, Ms Garbo,” teased Jared.

“Think of all the orgasms we’re going to have,” added Misha with a satisfied smile.

“You two are completely crazy, I knew there was a good reason for keeping you apart.” Jensen was feeling brave enough now to tease them about it, he knew that the time would come soon when he would have to apologise to both men for the way he had treated them but it wasn’t that time now. Now was the time for them to reconnect and start learning how to be together.

“You know it baby,” Misha agreed gleefully.

Spent and exhausted Jensen lay on the couch, watching in wondering amusement as Jared and Misha teased him and then began to argue over the room service menu, eventually ordering a staggering amount of food between them. Snagging his cell phone from the coffee table he sent Chris a text, thank you, it said simply and he didn’t think it had ever been more heartfelt in his life.


	9. Chapter 9

The hardest thing about the arrangement was letting their friends know about it, for a while they kept it to themselves as they learned their way around each other. Figuring out how to work their two separate relationships into something more singular. Eventually though they knew that they would either have to tell the truth or start lying to their friends. They figured the easiest thing was to get their closest friends round for a meal and tell them all at once. Well, Jared and Misha figured it would be cool and Jensen didn’t think he’d stand much chance trying to veto the pair of them.

Misha only wanted Riley and of course Chris and Jason had to be invited, Jared wanted Garcia and Chad, so that meant Garcia bringing her husband Derek. At the last minute Steve happened to be visiting Chris for the weekend so the apartment was quite full as they enjoyed the meal that Jensen had organised. Although on occasion all three of them enjoyed cooking for as many guests as they had, this time Jensen had got caterers in so they could enjoy the meal with their friends.

It was Garcia who noticed first, or at least was the first one to comment. Since she always kept a watchful eye on Jared anyway it was actually impossible for her to miss that he was constantly checking on both Jensen and Misha, the way his eyes met Misha’s across the table.

“Oh my God! You’re together aren’t you? I mean all of you.” Her voice cut through the chatter and everyone fell silent. She flushed as pink as the flowers in her hair but was still smiling her wide, generous smile.  
“All of you?” Jason dropped his cutlery to the table and looked keenly at his friends, “Like together, together?”  
Jensen suddenly felt vulnerable and his shoulders slumped forward as he stared at his plate. Jared moved to put his arm round his lovers shoulder, Misha too pushed back his chair and walked round the table to stand with them, letting his own hand fall to rest on Jared's arm. “Yeah.” he said with a grin. They all were fairly sure their friends would be supportive but they all realised it might be too much for some of them to understand.

Garcia grinned, “Cool, OT3 slash is the way to go.”  
Jared nodded, “Yeah, pretty much and you spend too much time on the internet.”  
“Wow! Pretty freaky! how does that work?” Chad winked at Jared as he said it and Jared was relieved, knowing that both of his friends were okay.  
Chris glared at him, he found Chad’s off the wall humour hard to take at the best of times. “Shut up, bitch! I don't want to know, I just . . . God! I need to bleach my brain!”

Chris had known from the start what was happening; as long as Jensen was happy he was cool with the situation. On an emotional level he could deal with the relationship, he figured it was nobody's business but the guys; he just really didn’t like the way Chad talked trash all the time.  
“No!” Chad denied vehemently, “not the sex stuff, you can just Google images if you want to see how that works.”  
“Chad,” Jared warned, Jensen looked pained by the turn the conversation had taken but Misha seemed to think it was a huge joke. “Why, Chad? did you want a demonstration?” he purred in a mock seductive voice.  
Chris growled warningly, “fucktards, don't! Just don't!” Steve put a warning hand on Chris's arm, "It's cool," he said calmly.

Riley suddenly shoved his chair back and stood up, “Sorry guys, sorry Misha, I can’t deal with this." He shook his head as he looked at Misha, "You’re going to get so hurt when they get tired of you. I can’t see you go through that again.”  
Misha was instantly subdued as his best friend left the room letting the door bang shut behind him. Indeed Riley's leaving prediction had left the other guests slightly stunned too.

The rest of the evening passed off congenially enough without further incident. Misha, obviously saddened that his friend hadn't been able to cope with the news, had made his excuses to retire early. When the rest of their guests had left, Jared helped the caterers load their van and gave them a handsome tip as Jensen went to take Misha a drink and check how he was.

Misha was standing at the huge bedroom window, gazing over the lights of the city and out into the night. He gratefully took the glass of vodka that Jensen offered and gave him a wry smile. “We‘d got to be pretty close these past few weeks, me and Riley." he said quietly, “I guess he got fed up of hearing me mope about you.”  
Jensen put his arms round Misha, “We won‘t leave you, I won‘t leave you.” He promised quietly. "It wasn't moping, Mish. I know what I put you through and I know I can never make that up to you." Jensen pressed a kiss to the side of Misha's face, “I love you, Misha, I‘m so sorry for what I did to you, I cant begin to excuse it but I swear it won‘t happen again.”

This had to be harder for Misha than either of them, coming into their home and trying to adjust to having Jared around, as well as getting past the way Jensen had treated him. It didn’t seem fair that his friend should desert him now just when he might need someone outside their ménage to talk to. Jensen could do little other than hold Misha in his arms to comfort him. It was so new and strange for all of them, Jensen could only hope that together they would be strong enough to cope with it all.

*******************

 

Jared and Jensen continued to live in their apartment and, while Misha often stayed with them he also kept his loft to work in. Sometimes he would go back there to work on a project for a few days, reappearing usually late at night, exhausted and grubby and starving hungry. Then they would feed him and care for him and he would sleep curled beside Jensen, Jared‘s arm protectively flung over them both. Mornings they would kiss him awake and make love to him as he lay sleepy and pliant between them.

Today though, after Misha had been away working for three days Jensen had admitted to Jared how much he was missing Misha. When the evening started to wear on and he still hadn't turned up Jared had noticed how fidgety Jensen was getting and he suggested they go to Misha for a change. Jensen had readily agreed to go to the loft and make their partner take a break.

Misha was still painting when they arrived, lost in his world of colour and sound but he was obviously pleased to see them; leaving his work and ravenously eating the lions share of the pizza they had brought with them.

They’d shared a couple of drinks together before Jensen drifted off to sleep on the couch. Wedged in beside him, Jared yawned and stretched, trying to make himself comfortable. Misha had been sat cross-legged on the floor next to them, Jensen’s hand was still resting in his hair but now he extricated himself carefully. “Mind if I go back to work? I’ve got to be ready for the exhibition next month and I’m not happy with the big canvas.”   
“It’s cool,” Jared laughed, “you’re sleeping with the boss.” But he stood up anyway and turned Misha towards him for a kiss before giving him a gentle shove in the direction of the workspace. “Go on, I’ll crash on the bed when I’m ready, you come and join me soon, okay? try not to pull another all nighter.” Jared was concerned at how tired the other man looked. “I know you’ve got the whole chiselled cheekbones and haunted eyes thing going for you but you’re a lot more fun when you can stay awake for more than five minutes at a time.”  
“Aw! You say the nicest things,” Misha blew him a kiss as he headed off to the studio.

Jared went to the kitchen to get himself a drink. Since the accident he found himself to be a real lightweight with alcohol and even the two beers he'd had with the food left him feeling light headed and fuzzy. He made himself a large mug of coffee and drank it sitting at the breakfast bar, enjoying the quiet of the loft. Misha usually worked with music playing at eardrum splitting levels but he had turned it off when his lovers had arrived and, in deference to the fact that Jensen was now sleeping he hadn’t turned it on again.

The street sounds from outside were muted now, it was getting pretty late but the coffee had woken Jared up again. He listened to the faint noises coming from Misha. The younger man talked while he was working, treating his materials as though they were sentient. At the moment he was coaxing oil paint to do what he wanted as he layered it on the canvas with a palette knife. It didn’t sound very different to the way he talked in bed, encouraging his lovers on to ever new and dizzier heights.

Jared washed up his mug and moved quietly round the apartment, sorting out the trash from the pizza and clearing up. there was very little to do really and Jared could see that Misha didn't really seem to keep much food in the place and made a mental note to make sure Misha took better care of himself when he wasn't with them.

It had been surprisingly easy, Jared thought, accommodating Misha in their relationship, or being accommodated into Misha and Jensen’s. Either way they worked well together, he and Misha made Jensen lighten up and stop taking himself so seriously, Misha made Jensen more independent and he and Jensen stopped Misha from getting so lost in his work he made himself ill. As for Jared himself he couldn’t begin to start listing what his lovers did for him. Jared had always needed to be needed, and they both gave him that, let him love them and take care of them but they gave back too, so much. Misha left Jared in awe at the way he was so completely up front, open and honest in everything he did. The more time they spent together the more Jared was falling in love with him, for his own sake, not just because of Jensen.

On the couch, Jensen muttered in his sleep and rolled over, Jared watched him fondly, snagging a throw from the bed to tuck round him. He wished he could lie down now and sleep but even without having drunk too much coffee Jared often found it hard to go to sleep at night. He never confessed it to the others but sometimes he was afraid that if he closed his eyes he wouldn’t open them again, that whatever fluke had woken him from the coma would reverse and he would be back in that dream state again.

Although Jared genuinely couldn’t remember any of that time, in his dreams he would be back there in the coma, locked in to his body. Hearing Jensen talk to him and Misha and even Chad or Chris or Garcia, but being unable to even blink in response. Sometimes it was as though he was invisible, watching them together acting as though he wasn’t there. Often it was more prosaic than that, he would have an itch that he couldn’t move to scratch or pain shooting through his body that he couldn’t tell anybody about.

Each morning he woke with a sense of relief that he was here and awake and healthy. Most of the time being awake was easier than being asleep, awake he could rationalise things; focus on his lovers, on rebuilding his life, working with Chad and Garcia again, getting his tech skills back up to date. The only downside was the headaches and dizziness that still plagued him, he was afraid that far from getting better they were getting worse and more frequent. He was due at the hospital for more tests in a few days and he fervently hoped that the neurologist would be able to do something to improve the problem.

“Oh baby, yeah! that’s right, just there oh my God! so perfect, now come on you son of a bitch! that’s not it, you know you can do better than that, oh yeah, baby! that’s it, that is it! so good.” Misha chanted as he worked, his voice low and coaxing.

“Keep talking like that and it’ll be over before we’ve even started,” Jared commented, walking over to see what Misha was working on. It was gone one in the morning and he knew that Misha was once again so lost in his creation that he wouldn’t stop unless Jared made him. Misha blinked and looked at him blankly for a moment then he laughed weakly, “God! sorry, I guess I got a bit carried away.”  
“Yeah,” Jared agreed “and its awesome, you just blow my mind, you know that but I think you need to sleep.”   
“In a minute,” Misha protested, “just a little bit longer, I’m too keyed up to sleep now.”  
“Nuh uh!” Jared shook his head, “if I leave you it’ll be hours before you’re ready to stop. come on now,” he tempted, “and I’ll help you unwind, I’ll make sure you can sleep.”  
“okay okay,” Misha held up his hands in a gesture of surrender, “I’ll come quietly.”  
“First time for everything,” Jared snorted.

Jared and Misha showered quickly and Jared wandered still naked to sit cross legged on the bed where he watched Misha pad round the loft, turning off lights and pausing in the kitchen for a swallow of vodka straight from the freezer.  
“Mad fucker!” he said fondly, Misha shrugged, “Yeah, probably.” He paused by the couch where Jensen still slept, “should I wake him?”

Although on occasion Jensen still slept with Jared or Misha alone, it was the first time that Misha and Jared had been alone together and the thought made Jared hesitate for a moment before saying, “No, let him sleep, he was exhausted.” Jared looked at Misha thoughtfully, he was framed in the moonlight that filtered through the windows as he stood and watched Jensen sleep. Misha was still high on adrenalin, too much so to even stand still for a minute, his hands twitching as he stood there as though he were still painting.

Jared was shocked by the sense of urgency he felt, a punch of lust to the gut. He suddenly needed to have the other man writhing beneath him, needed to hear Misha moan and beg as he came apart. "Misha," he called softly. "Come here, Mish, I need you."  
“Get your ass over here, Misha, I‘m going to do something about helping you relax, remember?” Jared directed and he could see the flash of lust that crossed the Misha’s face as he hurriedly made his way over to Jared and practically flung himself across the bed. “Okay then, big man,” Misha taunted. “What you going to do to me?”  
Jared grinned, enjoying the challenge he knew Misha was setting, he trailed his fingers down Misha’s chest, following the hard jut of his hips, sweeping round across his ass to tease him.   
“Give me your ass,” he ordered. “Gonna fuck you with my tongue first, feel you shake and quiver in front of me, gonna use my fingers to find your sweet spot until you’re begging for my cock.”   
Misha’s eyes flared, “oh yeah?”  
“Yeah,” Jared agreed. “Not going to fuck you till you beg me.”

Misha slid out of Jensen’s grip and twisted until was on all fours, grinning over his shoulder he said “Come on then, make me beg,” he teased. “You’ll be begging to bury that monster in my sweet ass long before I beg you for it.”  
And fuck! he looked so wanton spreading himself for Jared, taunting him like that, that Jared was tempted to take him now. Instead he leaned forward, spooning himself over Misha’s back to capture his mouth in a bruising kiss.

finally Jared rocked back to settle himself between Misha’s legs, spreading Misha’s cheeks to get better access, trailing his tongue down Misha’s crease, relishing the way the breath hissed through the other mans teeth as though he’d been scalded. Jared teased his tongue round the tight pucker, flicking it in and around giving Misha just enough to make him curse and squirm, sucking him wet and loose, enjoying the way that Misha writhed beneath him, muttering increasingly incoherent curses under his breath.

Fuck, it was so hot feeling Misha like this, so totally intimate, Jared hadn't done this to him before and the man's reaction was amazing. His tongue pressed in deeper and Misha cursed as he urged Jared on, "More, Jared, fuck, more."   
Ready to beg yet, Misha?” Jared teased.   
He got a gasped “fuck you!” in response.   
“Maybe later.” Jared promised and reached round to slick his fist a couple of times up and down the length of Misha’s cock.   
“Jesus, fuck!” Misha gasped and Jared drove the breath out of him by pushing his finger in alongside his tongue. When he found the bundle of nerves that made Misha buckle beneath him, Misha practically sobbed Jared's name, dropping his head down onto his arms. Jared stopped and moved back a little, enjoying the sight of Misha’s reaction.

He added lube to his hand and used three fingers to fuck into the mans pliant body. he watched with lust filled eyes as Misha tried to grind himself down onto Jared’s hand, a thin film of sweat making his body glisten.

“Fuck Misha, you’re so fucking beautiful," Misha was writhing and bucking under Jared’s hand, he was so gorgeous that Jared wanted to taste him, leaning down to lick a bead of sweat from he back of Misha’s neck, sucking a bruise in its place.  
“You fucker! Ah shit, Jared! more.” Misha moaned.  
“Beg.” Jared commanded, “You can do better than that,” He pulled his fingers out and fuck if he could hold out much longer. Seeing Misha swollen open, spit slick and ready for him.  
“You beg.” Misha gasped.

“Oh for fucks sake! Just do it,” Jensen commanded. The noise they were making had woken him some time ago and he had been watching the show they were putting on from the shadows, almost ready to come just from the sight of them.

Jared really didn’t need to be told, slicking lube onto his cock and plunging forwards into Misha’s tight heat, feeling the clench of the muscles around him. Burningly aware of Jensen’s heated gaze as he began to move, rocking forward and pulling back, easing himself in until he was buried to the hilt, trying to hit Misha’s prostate with each thrust; wanting to take it steady but too turned on to really take his time with this.

“So fucking hot seeing you two like this,” Jensen had shed his clothes and moved closer to the bed, slowly fisting his cock as he watched. “Fuck him like you mean it, Jay. Want to see you both come.”

Jared thrust forward almost hard enough to drive misha to the bed, picking up pace as he knew he was getting closer to losing it. Misha was babbling incoherently, cursing and threatening and finally begging him for more and Jared obliged, slamming into the willing body beneath him.

“Let him fuck your hand.” Jensen instructed and Misha practically screamed as Jared reached round to grasp Misha’s cock, his thrusts driving Misha forward into Jared’s fist.

“Fuck yeah!” Jensen moaned his approval. “God! I could come from just watching you but I’m not going to. I’m gonna fuck your mouth, Misha, you want that?” Not waiting for a reply he was on his knees in front of Misha on the bed, Jared holding still while Jensen encouraged Misha to suck him, moaning his pleasure as Misha sucked him sloppily.

“You could fuck him too, Jared suggested. “I think he could take us both,” Jensen groaned "fuck, yeah!" Eyes glazed and cock leaking at the thought, Misha moaned and lay pliant as Jared pulled him back so that Jared was lying on his back with Misha plastered back against his chest. He kissed Misha again as he manoeuvred him into position, the younger man lolling against his shoulder. “You’ll have to finger him wider first,” Jared instructed, and he could feel Misha start trembling at his words. “Easy, Mish its ok we’ve got you, its okay,” he soothed, running his hands over the mans shoulders, supporting him so that he was held ready for Jensen. Jared was blown away by the trust that the other man was showing, that he was letting them do this. “fuck, Mish, love you, love you so much.”

 

Jensen leaned forward and kissed Misha gently, his tongue slowly fucking Misha’s mouth. Misha moaned and leaned into the kiss, he was so lust blown his eyes were narrowed to slits, barely able to hold them open and he looked so damned right lying in Jared’s arms. “Love you, love you both so fuckin’ much,“ he gasped as he poured a generous amount of lube onto his hand and slid his finger in beside Jared’s cock. Jared’s head fell back onto the pillow, “Fuuuuck Jensen,” he gasped, and Jensen was practically seeing stars himself as he tried to take his time, stretching Misha so impossibly wide. Each time he pushed in he felt the hard ridge of Jared's cock and the tight heat that was Misha enclosing him. All he could hear now were breathy little gasps and moans, all three of them strangely quiet. Misha’s eyes were closed and he moaned and shook as Jensen finally felt ready to enter him, pushing his cock in a fraction at a time.

Jared was talking again, a steady rumble of love and encouragement and Jensen knew it couldn’t last long for any of them now, feeling Jared’s cock next to his, rocking together as they tried to find a rhythm with Misha captured between them. He was aware that Misha’s moans were getting fainter, and then he felt Misha’s orgasm start, his cock throbbing where it was trapped between them, the wet heat spreading onto Jensen’s belly. Jensen groaned loud as Misha’s muscles contracted around them, so impossibly tight it was too much and Jared and Jensen were coming together, cocks rubbing in the constricting heat of Misha’s body.

Misha flopped against Jared’s body as Jensen tried to ease out as carefully as he could. “I think we broke him,” he said doubtfully as he fell back, panting onto the bed. Jared too pulled free but still cradled Misha close to him, he tenderly stroked a finger down the side of Misha’s face.   
Come back to us, Misha, baby,” he crooned and Misha sighed and smiled, “that was okay,” he breathed. He lolled back against Jared, not able to even open his eyes. Jared kissed him softly, “so good Misha, so fucking good. Think you’ll sleep now?”

Jensen grinned at the pair of them, as he used a wash cloth to clean them up. “I don’t know how you pair of toppy fuckers thought you could manage without me. you’d still be here trying to make each other beg if it wasn’t for me.”

“C’mere,” Jared murmured sleepily, and Jensen snuggled in beside him, Misha already asleep in Jared’s arms. As Jared drifted off to sleep with his lovers so close he somehow knew that there would be no nightmares tonight.


End file.
